Sorry!

I kinda forgot to check to see if there were new posts
so I missed the last one you did on the 15th.

So I want to start by saying I love you so much too.
You are my angel and, in so many ways, my very best friend.
I ache every day from missing you so much.


Today was a really big fucked day!
I've had a total of five meeting cancelations this week – others were running late so my appointment ran out of time, conflicts with schedules or, in the case of Jeremiah Hennessy, just ignored my messages and blew off the meeting in general. Rude.
I also had a date that went south – or at least got canceled prematurely.
My bud Lynda got a case of menopausal depression within seconds after getting to my house.
One minute she is sweet and sexy and very feminine.
And then she turns into Satins foot soldier just out of Hell's boot-camp breathing fire and smelling like smoking tooth decay from a dull drill (Note the Dental metaphor) while she rubs ice furiously on her cute little wrists.
Next she starts sobbing, grabs her giant designer bag – knocking over a glass vase with just-bought Gladiolus in the process – and slams the front door like she wanted to demo the place.
It gave me pause to reflect.
I realized that if I keep dating women in the 45 – 55 year old range I am doomed to all manner of menopausal outrage for the remainder of my life.
I guess I need to find someone who is 40 and fertile or 60 and no longer a friend with her vagina. Jesus... who knows.
I wonder exactly when your mom became a victim to hormonal deprivation? All evidence points to 1997 but the precise moment is kind of up for grabs.
Oh well!!!
So I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself too.
I've got these new fucking teeth and nobody to bite!
This is what it must feel like to be a woman with new breast implants.
No wonder they run out and get extra tight wife beater tops and Victoria Secret magic bras.
They need to get that shit out there so that someone can take em home and worship the new temples.
"Why are you looking at my breasts?"
But what the fuck do you do with new front teeth? Smile? How creepy!
A 60 year old guy goes to a bar and starts smiling with complete abandon and before you know it everybody moves down a seat to get the fuck away from the grinning idiot! Terrific, right?
So this weekend I plan on laying low again.
Clean the garage.
Lay out at the pool.
Maybe practice my smile.


I can't believe you are going to be 29 in a few weeks!
Love you so much my little pumpkin.

XOXO Dad


   

it's sunday morning
i miss sunday mornings at home in california with my family
i miss having dogs and living close to the beach
i miss hanging out and feeling like i had nothing to do with the long day ahead
i miss you and mom
i am feeling sorry for myself right now because i have grown up
it happened so damn fast
i still feel like a little person though, inside.
i just yawned and stretched. isn't yawn a strange word?
i've been awake since 7am
my street was really quiet, but now it is starting to wake up
babies are crying and their ghetto moms are just yelling at them or telling them to "shut up"
i honestly don't think you or mom ever said that to me
don't get me wrong, you told me to be quiet, but never "shut up"

i sent you a text to see if you were awake
i sent you another text
you are awake!
i love imagining what you are doing or what you look like right now
i am in army boys underwear, my hair is straightened from last night, i am sitting on my window couch, it's 75˚ outside, it's cloudy and gray, i wanted to got to the beach today but thunderstorms are putting a damper on that plan
later i plan on going to my friend's outdoor pig roast, that is if doesn't rain
after that maybe i will go to a Paper Magazine event with Daniel
...i didn't tell you(but maybe you saw on instagram) that we went to a private dinner party and sat with the two founders(Kim & David) of the PAPER. it was so awesome
i will tell you about it when i call you later.

Daddy, I love you so very much. I want you to know that i think about you a thousand and one times a day. You are the best dad i could have ever asked for. You are my best friend and my mentor. You are the funniest guy I know and I love that about you. I just love you so much.

sleepless nights

i can't sleep.
i'm laying on my couch in my living room listening to the sounds of sirens(which are very close) and wondering what it's all for. what is it all for? i just had an ok day, followed by a good night, that then went bad, that then got worse, that then got even worse, that then seemed to settle down, that then became what it has been in the past, that has now left me awake. it's 3:22am. it's 86˚ outside. i feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and yet i have a calm sense of acceptance and disregard.
i don't even know where to begin. maybe because i don't know where it all started. i am in a tail spin of curiosity about myself and my ability to have others deeply love me and then i push them away or put limits on them or don't love them back or don't listen or don't interrupt or don't judge or don't just walk away. i walk away. i close off. i shut down. i interrupt. i talk over. i shut people down. they come back. why do they come back? what is it about me that makes people want to come back even when i don't love them the way they want to be loved? i mean, i do love them and i love them deeply. this is so general and I'm sure if you are reading this you are going to be so fucking confused and maybe you will dismiss me because i am typing complete gibber gabber at close to 4am... i would dismiss me. but maybe you won't and maybe i wouldn't. maybe we would surprise one another in that regard.
so back to the tail spin. i think i learn how to shut down from mom. i think i learned how to shut other people down from you. maybe it's flipped. maybe it's a little bit of both. i am certainly not blaming either of you because i am my own person. however, there are times when i hear or see in other people's faces and reactions to me that i am doing when you both did to me. this is a universal truth. we copy. we mimic. we interpret and adjust and make new again. i have made new of things and ways in which i saw you both treat yourselves, others, and each other.
the best part is you always LOVED me. in moments of rage and confusion and frustration i remember i recount i relive the times is which you loved me and made me feel so special so lovable so valuable. i try to embrace those moments. it is hard for me. it's easier for me to shut down and walk away.
i want to tell other people how to be.
i hate that about myself.
i don't listen and i am not always sensitive.
i can be, but not by nature.

it's now 3:33am
it's my lucky number as itself.

i am still rambling, but it's been so long since i have written down how i feel or let myself go on and on about seemingly nothing. i never do that. i should do it more.
I'm really sad right now and i really miss you and mom. i miss being a kid. i don't want to be an adult or talk to my business partner or talk to my boyfriend or talk to my friends or do anything. i literally don't want to do anything or be held accountable for anything or anyone. not even myself. i want to crawl in a whole. actually i want to get on a plane and just go somewhere by myself. alone. completely alone. i am thinking about doing it now. just going to the airport and going away. where would i go? would it be as good if i couldn't share it with anyone? chances are someone would find me and want to talk and get to know me and i would go with it and it would be empty. i feel. empty. really empty.

i just realized this sounds like a pity party and that's now how i intend it to come across. i am just spinning thoughts and typing them without thinking. I'm still doing that now. and now. and now. it's funny when you have so much to say inside and then you go to say it or even worse write it and then start thinking about delivery and who your audience is and be aware of the goal or how it will make you and them feel. lame. maybe not thought. i
I'm thirsty.
I've been drinking a lot of water.
a lot.

i wish you were here. if you were here i would suggest that we take a slow late night summer walk over the williamsburg bridge and just sit and wait for the sun to come up. you would love all the colors. i used to love watching the sun rise as i went to work at Marlow. i was tired and depressed that i was just beginning my soon to be 10-15 hour day, but i was always thankful that i got to see the sun awakening. it's brilliant.
i wish you could see it just once from where i see it. i think you would love it. i know you would.
we would love it together.
i love you daddy.
i love you so much it hurts.
i love you bigger than the universe. last time i checked thats pretty fucking big.