Christmas Eve

I 

LOVE 

YOU 

DEANER!!!!

Thanks For Your Time!

It has been nice communicating with you of late! For months there dialogue was sparse at best. Although we are all surrounded by and in the thick of "time" on a moment to moment basis, it is funny how it (time) seems to be one of our most scarce and sacred possessions. Having a connection to you is perhaps one of the most important aspects of my life – even the quick texts or emails provide solace. After a quick chat I have a tad more jump in my step: life offers up more. Most importantly, we find some humor and a chuckle in the mundane and temporal.

It is also nice to be known. Known more deeply. Others have perceptions that have emerged within an context – work, cocktails, a neighborhood walk, even Walter and our coffee. But it is fleeting: incomplete.

 

There is so much you and I have to learn about and from each other. Time allows the learning. We simply must allow enough time. I do indeed cherish our relationship and the time we share Lauren.

 

rainy days

i am home for a bit right now and giving myself a break from running around in the rain. i am watching the Olympics, which I have been neglecting somewhat, and Woman's Volleyball is on. I am not into volleyball at all, but i can't stop admiring these athletes. What it must feel like to devote your entire life to a game, a race, a moment, usually a very brief moment in time. Then I realized, that's what we all do pretty much. We work and work and work. We love and love and love. We learn and learn and learn. We hope for that moment where it will all make sense, when we will feel fulfilled, when we will win. The only difference between everyone and Olympic athletes is that they know exactly when that moment will be. This realization has given me a sudden burst of energy, more mental than physical, and I find myself feeling more secure in my life decisions. I can't wait to see your teeth!!!! I think that woman sounds like she had a serious freak out and it makes me really really afraid of menopause. I think you should continue to look for a partner who challenges you and excites you and loves you and not focus so much on her age. I think that you are the greatest dad in the whole wide world and for the past 29 years have made me feel nothing less than a super human who can achieve anything she sets her mind to. I think that if i could have one wish for my birthday it would be to wake up in my high school bed to the smell of french toast, walk into the kitchen and have it filled with every single person i love and treasure in the world, then proceed to have the best bbq by the pool all day and into the night. i am not really looking forward to this birthday. i am not dreading it, but I'm not anticipating it being anything special. 29 seems like such an in between age, it's not old but it's not young. soon i won't be in my 20's anymore. soon i won't be looked at as young, but rather as middle aged. soon i will be 30, which i gotta tell ya sounds a hell of a lot cooler than 29. how is it that an age doesn't seem fitting? how can you not feel the age that you are? i don't feel 28 right this minute so how am i supposed to feel 29 in a few days? i have no fucking idea...and I'm sticking to it.
i love you.

Sorry!

I kinda forgot to check to see if there were new posts
so I missed the last one you did on the 15th.

So I want to start by saying I love you so much too.
You are my angel and, in so many ways, my very best friend.
I ache every day from missing you so much.


Today was a really big fucked day!
I've had a total of five meeting cancelations this week – others were running late so my appointment ran out of time, conflicts with schedules or, in the case of Jeremiah Hennessy, just ignored my messages and blew off the meeting in general. Rude.
I also had a date that went south – or at least got canceled prematurely.
My bud Lynda got a case of menopausal depression within seconds after getting to my house.
One minute she is sweet and sexy and very feminine.
And then she turns into Satins foot soldier just out of Hell's boot-camp breathing fire and smelling like smoking tooth decay from a dull drill (Note the Dental metaphor) while she rubs ice furiously on her cute little wrists.
Next she starts sobbing, grabs her giant designer bag – knocking over a glass vase with just-bought Gladiolus in the process – and slams the front door like she wanted to demo the place.
It gave me pause to reflect.
I realized that if I keep dating women in the 45 – 55 year old range I am doomed to all manner of menopausal outrage for the remainder of my life.
I guess I need to find someone who is 40 and fertile or 60 and no longer a friend with her vagina. Jesus... who knows.
I wonder exactly when your mom became a victim to hormonal deprivation? All evidence points to 1997 but the precise moment is kind of up for grabs.
Oh well!!!
So I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself too.
I've got these new fucking teeth and nobody to bite!
This is what it must feel like to be a woman with new breast implants.
No wonder they run out and get extra tight wife beater tops and Victoria Secret magic bras.
They need to get that shit out there so that someone can take em home and worship the new temples.
"Why are you looking at my breasts?"
But what the fuck do you do with new front teeth? Smile? How creepy!
A 60 year old guy goes to a bar and starts smiling with complete abandon and before you know it everybody moves down a seat to get the fuck away from the grinning idiot! Terrific, right?
So this weekend I plan on laying low again.
Clean the garage.
Lay out at the pool.
Maybe practice my smile.


I can't believe you are going to be 29 in a few weeks!
Love you so much my little pumpkin.

XOXO Dad


   

it's sunday morning
i miss sunday mornings at home in california with my family
i miss having dogs and living close to the beach
i miss hanging out and feeling like i had nothing to do with the long day ahead
i miss you and mom
i am feeling sorry for myself right now because i have grown up
it happened so damn fast
i still feel like a little person though, inside.
i just yawned and stretched. isn't yawn a strange word?
i've been awake since 7am
my street was really quiet, but now it is starting to wake up
babies are crying and their ghetto moms are just yelling at them or telling them to "shut up"
i honestly don't think you or mom ever said that to me
don't get me wrong, you told me to be quiet, but never "shut up"

i sent you a text to see if you were awake
i sent you another text
you are awake!
i love imagining what you are doing or what you look like right now
i am in army boys underwear, my hair is straightened from last night, i am sitting on my window couch, it's 75˚ outside, it's cloudy and gray, i wanted to got to the beach today but thunderstorms are putting a damper on that plan
later i plan on going to my friend's outdoor pig roast, that is if doesn't rain
after that maybe i will go to a Paper Magazine event with Daniel
...i didn't tell you(but maybe you saw on instagram) that we went to a private dinner party and sat with the two founders(Kim & David) of the PAPER. it was so awesome
i will tell you about it when i call you later.

Daddy, I love you so very much. I want you to know that i think about you a thousand and one times a day. You are the best dad i could have ever asked for. You are my best friend and my mentor. You are the funniest guy I know and I love that about you. I just love you so much.