Walter

Walter's surgery on Monday went well. He was back home on Tuesday, took a walk in the afternoon and today he was able to take a shower and eat some good food. We talked a little this morning but it turned into a bit of an altercation as he was prodding me to go to the doctor and his insistence got annoying. I asked him to stop mothering me and he became annoyed. I have been very ill since Sunday with a gastro-intestinal problem. Pretty bad cramping in my bladder and colon, a constant fever and loss of appetite. I hoped it was just the flu and was waiting it out to see if it got any better – it hasn't and I should go to the doctor as soon as possible. But I'm trying to get new health insurance and any new issue could be seen as a pre-existing condition and thwart my chances of getting insurance at all. It's a gamble I have to play out.

It was really bad Monday evening and I was pretty scared so I called you but there was no answer. I waited until I thought Nancy would be off work and called her but no answer. Sent her an email and suggested she call but nothing yet. Today I dropped off some prints I had made of Nanny and she gave me some kind of baking soda and vitamin C concoction and said it cleans out the colon. And it does which is why I'm up at 12:30 am unable to be to far from the bathroom. Now I have bad cramping in my bladder and colon, a constant fever, loss of appetite and the runs. I think this is my version of time alone right now. Deaner.

Alone Time

There is really something to be said for having alone time.

Just me and my thoughts.

Avoiding the phone.

The email.

The computer...for the most part.

I worked this morning and when work was done I made a decision to invest in me.

I came home.

Opened a beer.

Made myself a delicious lunch:

Arugula Salad with CousCous, Scrambled Egg, Roasted Butternut Squash,Cucumbers and a Sriracha Sesame Oil Dressing.

Then for a dessert I had bananas with Sunflower Butter. You have to try that shit, it will blow your mind!!!

Then I watched "into the wild," which if you haven't seen it I suggest doing so. It was beautiful.

Then I gave myself a home facial and used a Japanese Face mask that my friend James brought back for me on one of his visits.

I just read through all my favorite blogs.

Now I am in my apartment doing nothing (but this of course)

It is really quiet. That is aside from the cars and noise outside paired with the constant drip of our sink, but I like the latter of the two.

I am now trying to decide what I want to do next.

Perhaps some reading?

Maybe a bowl of cereal?

Maybe I will drawl for a while.

Maybe I wont because it might stress me out or force myself to be more perfect than I really want to be right now.

I think I will have a smoke.

Then I will let the high tell me what to do.

Out of all of those I have a feel the bowl of cereal is going to win first place.

I am noticing now that my face feels very tight and moisturized from my treatments. God damn I love that shit.

I shaved my legs yesterday for the first time in maybe two weeks. That also made me feel really good.

Last night we all went out for Quinn's 25th birthday. I got drunk. It was fun.

I love you daddy.

a

lot.

Frenzied Gestures Become Art

QUACK.

40 Lbs of Duck thighs and legs... 25 Lbs of Duck Fat. This is gonna be some serious duck confit.

A Note on Fear and Anxiety

Cooler heads tend to prevail because they are not very cool at all - they are aflame with focus, thought and determination.

Fear is disorienting, and panic can scatterbrain you whether in a few seconds of natural disaster or a drawn-out week of personal strife. We are so much more than our animal instincts, yet that is what we are reduced to when we are put in a stressful situation, when we need our human potential most of all.

Those who rise to the occasion in a crisis make the active choice to not freak out. They keep the suggestion to snap out of it nestled in their heads and then heed it when it occurs to them.

The human mind is a loyal and effective companion once it is reigned in. Instead of feeling fear, it can be occupied with collecting information and using reason to deconstruct the fear. This really helps turn a paralyzing terror into an involving (but important) puzzle. One of your first experiences with this may have been fearing getting sucked down the bathtub drain until you figured out or were shown that things way bigger than it won't fit.

Next time something goes bump in the night, throw a pillow at it. Curiosity can be an effective substitute for courage.

Breathe deep and gather facts. DG