it's sunday morning
i miss sunday mornings at home in california with my family
i miss having dogs and living close to the beach
i miss hanging out and feeling like i had nothing to do with the long day ahead
i miss you and mom
i am feeling sorry for myself right now because i have grown up
it happened so damn fast
i still feel like a little person though, inside.
i just yawned and stretched. isn't yawn a strange word?
i've been awake since 7am
my street was really quiet, but now it is starting to wake up
babies are crying and their ghetto moms are just yelling at them or telling them to "shut up"
i honestly don't think you or mom ever said that to me
don't get me wrong, you told me to be quiet, but never "shut up"

i sent you a text to see if you were awake
i sent you another text
you are awake!
i love imagining what you are doing or what you look like right now
i am in army boys underwear, my hair is straightened from last night, i am sitting on my window couch, it's 75˚ outside, it's cloudy and gray, i wanted to got to the beach today but thunderstorms are putting a damper on that plan
later i plan on going to my friend's outdoor pig roast, that is if doesn't rain
after that maybe i will go to a Paper Magazine event with Daniel
...i didn't tell you(but maybe you saw on instagram) that we went to a private dinner party and sat with the two founders(Kim & David) of the PAPER. it was so awesome
i will tell you about it when i call you later.

Daddy, I love you so very much. I want you to know that i think about you a thousand and one times a day. You are the best dad i could have ever asked for. You are my best friend and my mentor. You are the funniest guy I know and I love that about you. I just love you so much.

sleepless nights

i can't sleep.
i'm laying on my couch in my living room listening to the sounds of sirens(which are very close) and wondering what it's all for. what is it all for? i just had an ok day, followed by a good night, that then went bad, that then got worse, that then got even worse, that then seemed to settle down, that then became what it has been in the past, that has now left me awake. it's 3:22am. it's 86˚ outside. i feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and yet i have a calm sense of acceptance and disregard.
i don't even know where to begin. maybe because i don't know where it all started. i am in a tail spin of curiosity about myself and my ability to have others deeply love me and then i push them away or put limits on them or don't love them back or don't listen or don't interrupt or don't judge or don't just walk away. i walk away. i close off. i shut down. i interrupt. i talk over. i shut people down. they come back. why do they come back? what is it about me that makes people want to come back even when i don't love them the way they want to be loved? i mean, i do love them and i love them deeply. this is so general and I'm sure if you are reading this you are going to be so fucking confused and maybe you will dismiss me because i am typing complete gibber gabber at close to 4am... i would dismiss me. but maybe you won't and maybe i wouldn't. maybe we would surprise one another in that regard.
so back to the tail spin. i think i learn how to shut down from mom. i think i learned how to shut other people down from you. maybe it's flipped. maybe it's a little bit of both. i am certainly not blaming either of you because i am my own person. however, there are times when i hear or see in other people's faces and reactions to me that i am doing when you both did to me. this is a universal truth. we copy. we mimic. we interpret and adjust and make new again. i have made new of things and ways in which i saw you both treat yourselves, others, and each other.
the best part is you always LOVED me. in moments of rage and confusion and frustration i remember i recount i relive the times is which you loved me and made me feel so special so lovable so valuable. i try to embrace those moments. it is hard for me. it's easier for me to shut down and walk away.
i want to tell other people how to be.
i hate that about myself.
i don't listen and i am not always sensitive.
i can be, but not by nature.

it's now 3:33am
it's my lucky number as itself.

i am still rambling, but it's been so long since i have written down how i feel or let myself go on and on about seemingly nothing. i never do that. i should do it more.
I'm really sad right now and i really miss you and mom. i miss being a kid. i don't want to be an adult or talk to my business partner or talk to my boyfriend or talk to my friends or do anything. i literally don't want to do anything or be held accountable for anything or anyone. not even myself. i want to crawl in a whole. actually i want to get on a plane and just go somewhere by myself. alone. completely alone. i am thinking about doing it now. just going to the airport and going away. where would i go? would it be as good if i couldn't share it with anyone? chances are someone would find me and want to talk and get to know me and i would go with it and it would be empty. i feel. empty. really empty.

i just realized this sounds like a pity party and that's now how i intend it to come across. i am just spinning thoughts and typing them without thinking. I'm still doing that now. and now. and now. it's funny when you have so much to say inside and then you go to say it or even worse write it and then start thinking about delivery and who your audience is and be aware of the goal or how it will make you and them feel. lame. maybe not thought. i
I'm thirsty.
I've been drinking a lot of water.
a lot.

i wish you were here. if you were here i would suggest that we take a slow late night summer walk over the williamsburg bridge and just sit and wait for the sun to come up. you would love all the colors. i used to love watching the sun rise as i went to work at Marlow. i was tired and depressed that i was just beginning my soon to be 10-15 hour day, but i was always thankful that i got to see the sun awakening. it's brilliant.
i wish you could see it just once from where i see it. i think you would love it. i know you would.
we would love it together.
i love you daddy.
i love you so much it hurts.
i love you bigger than the universe. last time i checked thats pretty fucking big.

Happy Easter 2012

Happy Easter Love! I hope you have a wonderful Easter Sunday and that you find so many colorful little eggs that it makes your cute little teeth hurt. Remember the egg hunts from years ago? Fond memories for sure. Love you, Dad XOXO

Leadershit

Last night I went to dinner at John and Colleen's house. They had some people over to watch the opening show for the new Mad Men season. Evidently the show has been off the air for over a year and Mad Men fans – all in attendance last night except for me – were keen to see the kick off.

There was a lady there I have spoken about before: she is a book buyer and her daughter was the original chef at AMO. She is a delightful lady, and as one would imagine of a book buyer, she is very intelligent and reads many books each week. We were discussing her work and at one point she commented that she has the opportunity for a promotion but can't take it. When I asked her why she told me that she paid her husband a generous sum each month in spousal support and that, if she were to take the promotion, she would end up taking on a huge increase in responsibility but, after the increase in spousal support, would not net any additional funds for her self. In essence, her husband benefits entirely from her good fortune and she does not. He does not work and just seems to wait for her next advancement.

I didn't mention my situation. But hearing this really floored me. And it made me think about your last blog entry about leadership. Yes, I have shown a propensity for leadership in the past – founder of the Orange County Chapter of the American Institute of Graphic Arts and the creativity leadership role at BJ's among others. But am I any better off because of it? Indeed, all those things positioned me to advance my career but in the final analysis, the salary – a questionable meter of my success but, none-the-less, the most visible meter – just became a metric for the calculation of spousal support. And from this point on, that is primarily what my income will be. My monitory success will always be monitored to see how it can be divided up for distribution.

For some years now my dreams are comprised of frustration fears; getting somewhere, getting back to someplace or not getting anywhere at all. This until recently. My last most memorable dream was filled with the excitement of painting and freedom; freedom to use exorbitant amounts of paint, to create unencumbered brush strokes, and to know nothing about what I was doing but have the exhilarating sensation that it would turn out right.

And this is what I would like my legacy to be; a legacy of creativity and voice. There are a million things in my head these days and they need to get out and onto a surface or medium I can share. I no longer care that the colors I use conjure up an era to some, or the images I am drawn to have been seen before, or that what I do reflects the age I am. Whatever I am needs to be shared.

Time to have a show – a show of hope, talent and freedom.

saturday morning

i have been up for a while, resisting the urge to get stoned. i don't know why i am resisting? maybe i don't want to hear it from daniel. any ways, i am back to the MJ grind today/tonight. it's funny how you can get nervous about something you have done so many times. i think it stems from wanting to succeed, wanting to excel, wanting to do something new and exciting within the confines or limitations you're given. tonight i am going to try some new recipes with him. it could be a disaster but my hope is that it won't be and it will show him i am still trying to surprise and impress him. He request Filet Mignon, so I will be serving that(cooked to perfection) with a Baby Carrots & Dill over a white bean puree as well as sautéed cumin spinach with toasted coconut. He doesn't want ANY carbs so i have to keep the veggies interesting and flavorful. I am typing in bed right now and Daniel keeps tossing and turning. if he knocks my computer off my lap i am going to shove him. he has been having really bad headaches and stomach issues. it makes me a little nervous, but i also know he is a bit sensitive. I just don't like seeing him in pain. what else...it looks like it is going to be a beautiful day today. I am going to a birthday picnic later and then to a site visit for an upcoming dinner party, all before shopping/cooking for dinner. i do love when i get to make something other than fucking chicken. especially since roasting a whole chicken takes time and leaves me standing around for a while. i have really started to fall in love with Pintrist and i have also started shooting little videos to start a Vlog. We had a meeting with a friend who works at a YouTube Network, Makr, who suggested we start doing more Vlogging to get a following. So, I am making a go of it. Hit the ground running and see what happens.

....Also, I think you should put together a collective. I think it is time for you to be a leader again and get people to rally around art and productivity. It got me thinking when you were mentioning all your friends(people your age) in cali who are paralyzed by the current economic situation. Get those people together, start making art about it, put it up, get it out there. If you scream loud enough.... people have to listen. You should create a "Meet Up" Group in Orange County for people who feel paralyzed by there current situation. Make it a meeting of the minds. You and Walter are not alone...bring the spark back into your creative geniuses. You are a great leader dad, others will follow you so go out and wake them up.

i love you.