holi-daze

It seems as though I am sleeping for long periods of time, but my quality of sleep is 10%. It is too cold to be motivated. Work is exhausting, repetitive, and somewhat gratifying. Family is far away. Friends are leaving or planning for their holiday. I am in a daze.

My body is aching. My eyes sleepy. My mind constantly wandering.

Winter. It has finally set in. Fully.

I am looking forward to my very first Christmas. I say this because it will be the first time I am not with my family or with Daniel's. Instead with the family of friends I have built in New York. I am really looking forward to it and the thought of how it will be has become all consuming. Christmas morning will be spent with Flannery, Weston, & Sven. Daniel might be there, but that is only if he decides not to go to New Jersey for the Eve. We will be having Egg Nog, a tradition that I always relate to OUR family. I will be wearing your black robe. I will also be making Cranberry Tangerine Oat Crumb Muffins. Flannery is bringing Venison & Pork Sausage laced with Gin & Scotch. She purchased it from our beloved butchers and they said it is a holiday specialty. Weston will be making Coffee and Sven is in charge of getting us all stoned out of our minds. My tree will be the focal point adorned with its white lights, black and sage matte glass ornaments, ostrich and leopard feathers, topped with a wire sculpture of a rat that Flan made me last year. The scent of pine and radiator will fill the space and then be taken over by spices and butter. We will all sit around laughing and hugging and sharing our memories of growing up and talking about our families that are near and far.

I will be thinking about you and Mommy the entire time. My heart will be heavy, but loving. My eyes will undoubtedly well up with tears. My smile will at some point turn to a frown. I am anticipating this all as to not be too overwhelmed when it hits.

I am in a Holi-daze. Missing you and wishing we were together.

I love you Daddy.

My Friend Your Friend

I talked to Walter yesterday and he heard from His Doctor regarding the post op tests.

Happily, he is 100% Cancer Free!

He is so happy! Why don't you call him when you have a moment. Love Dad

Tis The Season

The last few days has been active. I picked up a new client on Thursday which I may have mentioned and the guy is a terrific person. Have not started the project yet but it comes at a very good time.

Saw Nanny on Wednesday and she was doing fine. Talked to her last night as she was preparing to go out to a party. She was sipping Scotch while trying to put on her makeup. Kept threatening that she was going to score at the party (TMI Hope). God she was cheery! She finished just about every sentence I started and was so proud that she knew in advance what I was about to say. After ending each of my sentences she would laugh hysterically. Truth is, nothing she said was even close to what was on my mind. And of course when I told her that she said I was wrong. You can imagine how it all went down.

I spent last night exchanging emails with Nancy and, after about five real brain breakers, I think we can both move on, stow the relationship somewhere in the memory. Honestly, it was more me than her but I just had to get some things off my chest. After all, it had been 30 years since the last time I feel in love. Amazing how much stuff can back up even after just a 20 month tryst.

Right now I am waiting for Marsha and we are going to see The Tourist then grab something to eat. I am looking forward to spending some time with one of the few people with whom I really connect. Tonight we promised each other we would discuss creating a new "tradition" that we can do togteher each year at Christmas time. The holiday is tough on both of us and it would be nice to come up with something that makes us feel special. She is an angel.

And you are an angel too – I love Lauren, Dad

I didn't mean to alarm you about my health – just thought you should know.

I am feeling better this morning but I still made a call to the doctor's office and I am going tomorrow. So things are being taken care of. But the pre-existing condition thing is a real issue and I must get new insurance. My last application was denied because of a pre-existing condition: amputated finger!

Now to your post:

I think the radiator is ugly. (although the patina and the setting are very cool)

Save up for something that truly fits your environment: re-purposed radiators went out in the 70's and for good reason.

So I say, leave it where you found it and wait for someone to throw out some Eames or Phillip Stark.

I love you too – a million bags full. Or more!

If there is something I have that you think would go nice in your apartment let me know. I am simplifying soon.

taking my breath away.

i went to write this post to send you two photographs.

both of the same object from two different perspectives.

i went to look at the blog to see if you had written.

then my breath escaped me.

robbed right from my chest.

air replaced with a waterfall of tears.

i don't know what i would do if there was no response to this post.

i don't know what i would do if there was no you at the other end.

i don't know what i would do without you.

please see a doctor.

please take care of yourself.

please.

Now for my post...

i love you.

i love you with everything inside my being.

i thought you might likes these images.

i also thought it would be cool with a great piece of glass on top.

a beautiful side table.

please be on the other end daddy.

This Just In!

While I was writing the last post I got a late night email from Debbie The Yoga Lady asking if I would like to meet her for a drink. I wrote back and told her I thought I might have a slight stomach issue and I had to pass. She wrote back and said that if my stomach issues are stress related that she could help. She said all I had to do was say the word and I would have my very own personal yoga teacher at my disposal.

My problems are solved.

Walter

Walter's surgery on Monday went well. He was back home on Tuesday, took a walk in the afternoon and today he was able to take a shower and eat some good food. We talked a little this morning but it turned into a bit of an altercation as he was prodding me to go to the doctor and his insistence got annoying. I asked him to stop mothering me and he became annoyed. I have been very ill since Sunday with a gastro-intestinal problem. Pretty bad cramping in my bladder and colon, a constant fever and loss of appetite. I hoped it was just the flu and was waiting it out to see if it got any better – it hasn't and I should go to the doctor as soon as possible. But I'm trying to get new health insurance and any new issue could be seen as a pre-existing condition and thwart my chances of getting insurance at all. It's a gamble I have to play out.

It was really bad Monday evening and I was pretty scared so I called you but there was no answer. I waited until I thought Nancy would be off work and called her but no answer. Sent her an email and suggested she call but nothing yet. Today I dropped off some prints I had made of Nanny and she gave me some kind of baking soda and vitamin C concoction and said it cleans out the colon. And it does which is why I'm up at 12:30 am unable to be to far from the bathroom. Now I have bad cramping in my bladder and colon, a constant fever, loss of appetite and the runs. I think this is my version of time alone right now. Deaner.

Alone Time

There is really something to be said for having alone time.

Just me and my thoughts.

Avoiding the phone.

The email.

The computer...for the most part.

I worked this morning and when work was done I made a decision to invest in me.

I came home.

Opened a beer.

Made myself a delicious lunch:

Arugula Salad with CousCous, Scrambled Egg, Roasted Butternut Squash,Cucumbers and a Sriracha Sesame Oil Dressing.

Then for a dessert I had bananas with Sunflower Butter. You have to try that shit, it will blow your mind!!!

Then I watched "into the wild," which if you haven't seen it I suggest doing so. It was beautiful.

Then I gave myself a home facial and used a Japanese Face mask that my friend James brought back for me on one of his visits.

I just read through all my favorite blogs.

Now I am in my apartment doing nothing (but this of course)

It is really quiet. That is aside from the cars and noise outside paired with the constant drip of our sink, but I like the latter of the two.

I am now trying to decide what I want to do next.

Perhaps some reading?

Maybe a bowl of cereal?

Maybe I will drawl for a while.

Maybe I wont because it might stress me out or force myself to be more perfect than I really want to be right now.

I think I will have a smoke.

Then I will let the high tell me what to do.

Out of all of those I have a feel the bowl of cereal is going to win first place.

I am noticing now that my face feels very tight and moisturized from my treatments. God damn I love that shit.

I shaved my legs yesterday for the first time in maybe two weeks. That also made me feel really good.

Last night we all went out for Quinn's 25th birthday. I got drunk. It was fun.

I love you daddy.

a

lot.

Frenzied Gestures Become Art

QUACK.

40 Lbs of Duck thighs and legs... 25 Lbs of Duck Fat. This is gonna be some serious duck confit.

A Note on Fear and Anxiety

Cooler heads tend to prevail because they are not very cool at all - they are aflame with focus, thought and determination.

Fear is disorienting, and panic can scatterbrain you whether in a few seconds of natural disaster or a drawn-out week of personal strife. We are so much more than our animal instincts, yet that is what we are reduced to when we are put in a stressful situation, when we need our human potential most of all.

Those who rise to the occasion in a crisis make the active choice to not freak out. They keep the suggestion to snap out of it nestled in their heads and then heed it when it occurs to them.

The human mind is a loyal and effective companion once it is reigned in. Instead of feeling fear, it can be occupied with collecting information and using reason to deconstruct the fear. This really helps turn a paralyzing terror into an involving (but important) puzzle. One of your first experiences with this may have been fearing getting sucked down the bathtub drain until you figured out or were shown that things way bigger than it won't fit.

Next time something goes bump in the night, throw a pillow at it. Curiosity can be an effective substitute for courage.

Breathe deep and gather facts. DG