Lazy Saturday

HI DEANER!!!

just wanted to say hi on this lazy saturday. call you later for a catch up session.

LOVE YOU!!!!

Mommy sent me these. They came with a little bear hugging the vase. It made me smile and realize how lucky I am to be so close with the two people who brought me into this world. From your love I was created and through your love I have and continue to thrive as a person. I am so very very very lucky.
I love you.

the house I built

The House I built.

i had so much to say just moments ago. I was filled with so much emotion and so many words. i needed to translate to you all these specific instances to make you understand how i am feeling at this specific moment. through out this specific day.

then i typed the words i had been thinking.

"the house "i" built."

today i realized.

i didn't built anything by myself.

i was merely apart of the framework.

it is just, sometimes, it's hard when someone else doesn't step back...and realize we are all in it together.

it is just those moments when the other person oversteps their boundaries.

it is just the second when you think you see them and realize it is just a stranger + your imagination.

it is just that song that reminds you of that one night.

it is just that smell that is like their skin, and their skin alone, on that one day in that one month of that one moment in time that i will NEVER forget.

it is just them.

it is just you.

it is just not meant to be

or meant to be for later

or meant to be for someone else

or ...

the point is.

i can't eat.

i can't sleep.

when i do it is joyless

when i do it is brief.

i am lost

and yet

found.

i know in my heart of hearts

this is the right thing.

but my heart of hearts is also crying.

it's tough.

but this is just for now.

Sometimes You Just Got To Bust Out The Pipe!

Boom goes the lightbulb!

I say this because in the past week or so incandescent light bulbs became illegal to purchase in the state of California! These are the simple little bulbs – from the cool-looking Edison ditties with the exposed filaments to the ever popular soft white 100 watt – that we have all taken for granted over the years as an irreplaceable source of light to read by, learn by, fuck by (dimmed of course), thread a needle by, brush teeth by, get dressed at 4 am. and leave for a road trip by, drink some wine at the kitchen table by, cook a cake in a Barbie Oven by, cover with a bandana and dance in the bedroom like Michael Jackson by (or worse, The Bee-Gees and Stay'in Alive), light the garage and build a 4th grade project by – I could go on. It was my light!

Sure as a designer I have specified sexy lighting using halogens and LEDs and narrow spots. But the incandescent was the standby – a sure thing. And now we are told to use compact fluorescent bulbs or some shit that makes everything look like it has a mild case of hepititous 2. And what about the iconic symbol signaling a good idea with a lightbulb and its cute little "illumination" strokes above: "the light bulb went off!". I suppose we are to accept a good idea moment with a symbol made up of a curly fucking florescent bulb striking a bright frizzy fucking moment! My ass! And who wants to have a quiet cry in the bathroom only to glance in the mirror with a tear-soaked face (funny how we look at ourselves in the mirror when we cry, right?) and look like you are in the kitchen at Denny's flipping pancakes. Fuck you 9 watt compact fluorescent light bulb. You suck!

Glad I got that off my chest! I need to get out of here and go to New York and see my baby girl. Planning on being there when I go with Joe Duffy to meet with Westinghouse (Known for their light bulbs incidentally).

Love you sweetheart – keep the light on for me! Dad

boom goes the dynamite

that's a movie quote that Daniel always says. I woke up saying it to myself. he had left already early this morning. he was asked to give a presentation at some sort of corporate meeting for MJ. he was really nervous, he didn't say he was, but i could tell. we were supposed to hang out last night. he specifically asked for me to come home and hang out. i did. he worked all night. i watched a very strange Greek foreign film called Dogtooth. it put me in an even stranger mood. i was sad that we didn't hang out and by hang out i mean talk, catch up on the past week of each other's lives, snuggle, laugh, whatever. we were both in the same space. our tiny apartment that offers no escape. no "me time." so from the outside it could look like we were spending time together. but from the inside it was clear we were not. i wasn't upset because i understand, but it was one of those moments were i found myself very quietly crying in the bathroom. just for a second to get out whatever emotion i was feeling and couldn't escape. i have become really good over the years at quiet crying and it isn't something i am necessarily proud of, but i realize it is a survival tactic. don't get me wrong, last night was not a bad night, just a normal night. i was meant to go to a friend's party. i wasn't really in the mood, in fact i was in a sad/bad mood after spending some time with Mia. i didn't really feel like being around anyone, especially myself. i don't think i would have gone to the party any ways, but the fact that i didn't because daniel asked me to spend time with him and then i just ended up spending time with myself... well, that made me mad. oh life.

on a happier note, marisa and I held our first "MOVES" class as i am sure you noticed if you have been on facebook in the past few days. it was a success and people are already requesting more. i must say, it was really great to choreograph and dance around with not expectations, only the need to move and be free! on an even happier note, I spoke with Valerie Levine(Quinn's Mom) and she said you can definitely stay at her place while she is in Africa. Her friend, Lisa, is staying there at the end of this month so March (and I think April) are free. You should check out some flights and come and visit me. It's been way too long and I want you to see all the things I see on a daily basis. I don't really have anything else to say. oh wait, I LOVE YOU BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE!!

Back to work

Oh Daddy,

I realized, more so I felt, that we hadn't spoken in a day or two and I hate that feeling. Then I came here just to see and sure enough you had left me a little gift that made me smile. Flannery and I have been working around the clock, today alone we have been working since 9am...it's almost ten o'clock! The good news is that we are both really excited to go on this ski trip and cook for a 35 person group who has never had our food before. We can't wait to surprise and please them.

In other news, Marisa and I are finally doing "MOVES," our open level dance class. The first of many will take place next Monday, Valentines Day, at this great studio space Downtown called Dance New Amsterdam. Last night we got together and decided on the song, Sweet Dreams by Annie Lenox, and choreographed the whole routine we are going to teach everyone. We had such a blast and laughed our asses off. I will email you the video we took so that we would remember the steps (we were stoned and worried we would forget everything,heehee).

Life otherwise is pretty good... more of an over the phone conversation though. The good news is I will have three hours to chat tomorrow when we are driving to the mountains. I hope you are doing well with all your new projects! I knew they would come, I just knew it, you are so fucking talented. I love you dad.

xo

LG

Hey Lauren – Look!

if that's the case...

then my mind has made itself up to be somewhere in the middle of happiness and sadness.

Happy or What?