time & distance

i have been thinking a lot. not that i don't think a lot normally, but lately i feel like thinking a lot more than i feel like talking. my mind seems to be flooded with contemplation. what should i be doing with my life? what am i doing with my life? where do i want my life to go? where am i in all of this? how do i fit in? what puzzle piece am i? which road should i take? which path is best for me? which directions should i move forward in?

i am not quite sure why, but lately i just haven't felt like talking to you and mom. i think about you both a million times a day. literally. it feels terrible inside. i want to call you, but i don't really feel like talking. sometimes i wish we could just sit on the phone in silence and pretend we are cuddling. that is what i feel like doing, cuddling. being held by the two people who love me and comfort me the most. if only i had that. i hate the time that goes by without sharing our lives together. i hate it. i understand it, but i hate it. it's difficult to feel like i am not apart of your daily life. it's sad that you are not apart of mine because i feel like we could enrich one another so much on such an intense level. i am coming out of this funk. i can feel myself slowly pulling out of it. i want to talk and i want to let you know how much you mean to me. i know you already know that, but i also know how important it is to hear it on a regular basis. i am being a shitty communicator and thus a shitty friend and daughter. i know this. i wanted you to know that i know this and it don't like so i am changing, but it is taking me a little bit of time and distance. I LOVE YOU!