Christmas Eve

I 

LOVE 

YOU 

DEANER!!!!

Thanks For Your Time!

It has been nice communicating with you of late! For months there dialogue was sparse at best. Although we are all surrounded by and in the thick of "time" on a moment to moment basis, it is funny how it (time) seems to be one of our most scarce and sacred possessions. Having a connection to you is perhaps one of the most important aspects of my life – even the quick texts or emails provide solace. After a quick chat I have a tad more jump in my step: life offers up more. Most importantly, we find some humor and a chuckle in the mundane and temporal.

It is also nice to be known. Known more deeply. Others have perceptions that have emerged within an context – work, cocktails, a neighborhood walk, even Walter and our coffee. But it is fleeting: incomplete.

 

There is so much you and I have to learn about and from each other. Time allows the learning. We simply must allow enough time. I do indeed cherish our relationship and the time we share Lauren.

 

rainy days

i am home for a bit right now and giving myself a break from running around in the rain. i am watching the Olympics, which I have been neglecting somewhat, and Woman's Volleyball is on. I am not into volleyball at all, but i can't stop admiring these athletes. What it must feel like to devote your entire life to a game, a race, a moment, usually a very brief moment in time. Then I realized, that's what we all do pretty much. We work and work and work. We love and love and love. We learn and learn and learn. We hope for that moment where it will all make sense, when we will feel fulfilled, when we will win. The only difference between everyone and Olympic athletes is that they know exactly when that moment will be. This realization has given me a sudden burst of energy, more mental than physical, and I find myself feeling more secure in my life decisions. I can't wait to see your teeth!!!! I think that woman sounds like she had a serious freak out and it makes me really really afraid of menopause. I think you should continue to look for a partner who challenges you and excites you and loves you and not focus so much on her age. I think that you are the greatest dad in the whole wide world and for the past 29 years have made me feel nothing less than a super human who can achieve anything she sets her mind to. I think that if i could have one wish for my birthday it would be to wake up in my high school bed to the smell of french toast, walk into the kitchen and have it filled with every single person i love and treasure in the world, then proceed to have the best bbq by the pool all day and into the night. i am not really looking forward to this birthday. i am not dreading it, but I'm not anticipating it being anything special. 29 seems like such an in between age, it's not old but it's not young. soon i won't be in my 20's anymore. soon i won't be looked at as young, but rather as middle aged. soon i will be 30, which i gotta tell ya sounds a hell of a lot cooler than 29. how is it that an age doesn't seem fitting? how can you not feel the age that you are? i don't feel 28 right this minute so how am i supposed to feel 29 in a few days? i have no fucking idea...and I'm sticking to it.
i love you.

Sorry!

I kinda forgot to check to see if there were new posts
so I missed the last one you did on the 15th.

So I want to start by saying I love you so much too.
You are my angel and, in so many ways, my very best friend.
I ache every day from missing you so much.


Today was a really big fucked day!
I've had a total of five meeting cancelations this week – others were running late so my appointment ran out of time, conflicts with schedules or, in the case of Jeremiah Hennessy, just ignored my messages and blew off the meeting in general. Rude.
I also had a date that went south – or at least got canceled prematurely.
My bud Lynda got a case of menopausal depression within seconds after getting to my house.
One minute she is sweet and sexy and very feminine.
And then she turns into Satins foot soldier just out of Hell's boot-camp breathing fire and smelling like smoking tooth decay from a dull drill (Note the Dental metaphor) while she rubs ice furiously on her cute little wrists.
Next she starts sobbing, grabs her giant designer bag – knocking over a glass vase with just-bought Gladiolus in the process – and slams the front door like she wanted to demo the place.
It gave me pause to reflect.
I realized that if I keep dating women in the 45 – 55 year old range I am doomed to all manner of menopausal outrage for the remainder of my life.
I guess I need to find someone who is 40 and fertile or 60 and no longer a friend with her vagina. Jesus... who knows.
I wonder exactly when your mom became a victim to hormonal deprivation? All evidence points to 1997 but the precise moment is kind of up for grabs.
Oh well!!!
So I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself too.
I've got these new fucking teeth and nobody to bite!
This is what it must feel like to be a woman with new breast implants.
No wonder they run out and get extra tight wife beater tops and Victoria Secret magic bras.
They need to get that shit out there so that someone can take em home and worship the new temples.
"Why are you looking at my breasts?"
But what the fuck do you do with new front teeth? Smile? How creepy!
A 60 year old guy goes to a bar and starts smiling with complete abandon and before you know it everybody moves down a seat to get the fuck away from the grinning idiot! Terrific, right?
So this weekend I plan on laying low again.
Clean the garage.
Lay out at the pool.
Maybe practice my smile.


I can't believe you are going to be 29 in a few weeks!
Love you so much my little pumpkin.

XOXO Dad


   

it's sunday morning
i miss sunday mornings at home in california with my family
i miss having dogs and living close to the beach
i miss hanging out and feeling like i had nothing to do with the long day ahead
i miss you and mom
i am feeling sorry for myself right now because i have grown up
it happened so damn fast
i still feel like a little person though, inside.
i just yawned and stretched. isn't yawn a strange word?
i've been awake since 7am
my street was really quiet, but now it is starting to wake up
babies are crying and their ghetto moms are just yelling at them or telling them to "shut up"
i honestly don't think you or mom ever said that to me
don't get me wrong, you told me to be quiet, but never "shut up"

i sent you a text to see if you were awake
i sent you another text
you are awake!
i love imagining what you are doing or what you look like right now
i am in army boys underwear, my hair is straightened from last night, i am sitting on my window couch, it's 75˚ outside, it's cloudy and gray, i wanted to got to the beach today but thunderstorms are putting a damper on that plan
later i plan on going to my friend's outdoor pig roast, that is if doesn't rain
after that maybe i will go to a Paper Magazine event with Daniel
...i didn't tell you(but maybe you saw on instagram) that we went to a private dinner party and sat with the two founders(Kim & David) of the PAPER. it was so awesome
i will tell you about it when i call you later.

Daddy, I love you so very much. I want you to know that i think about you a thousand and one times a day. You are the best dad i could have ever asked for. You are my best friend and my mentor. You are the funniest guy I know and I love that about you. I just love you so much.

sleepless nights

i can't sleep.
i'm laying on my couch in my living room listening to the sounds of sirens(which are very close) and wondering what it's all for. what is it all for? i just had an ok day, followed by a good night, that then went bad, that then got worse, that then got even worse, that then seemed to settle down, that then became what it has been in the past, that has now left me awake. it's 3:22am. it's 86˚ outside. i feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and yet i have a calm sense of acceptance and disregard.
i don't even know where to begin. maybe because i don't know where it all started. i am in a tail spin of curiosity about myself and my ability to have others deeply love me and then i push them away or put limits on them or don't love them back or don't listen or don't interrupt or don't judge or don't just walk away. i walk away. i close off. i shut down. i interrupt. i talk over. i shut people down. they come back. why do they come back? what is it about me that makes people want to come back even when i don't love them the way they want to be loved? i mean, i do love them and i love them deeply. this is so general and I'm sure if you are reading this you are going to be so fucking confused and maybe you will dismiss me because i am typing complete gibber gabber at close to 4am... i would dismiss me. but maybe you won't and maybe i wouldn't. maybe we would surprise one another in that regard.
so back to the tail spin. i think i learn how to shut down from mom. i think i learned how to shut other people down from you. maybe it's flipped. maybe it's a little bit of both. i am certainly not blaming either of you because i am my own person. however, there are times when i hear or see in other people's faces and reactions to me that i am doing when you both did to me. this is a universal truth. we copy. we mimic. we interpret and adjust and make new again. i have made new of things and ways in which i saw you both treat yourselves, others, and each other.
the best part is you always LOVED me. in moments of rage and confusion and frustration i remember i recount i relive the times is which you loved me and made me feel so special so lovable so valuable. i try to embrace those moments. it is hard for me. it's easier for me to shut down and walk away.
i want to tell other people how to be.
i hate that about myself.
i don't listen and i am not always sensitive.
i can be, but not by nature.

it's now 3:33am
it's my lucky number as itself.

i am still rambling, but it's been so long since i have written down how i feel or let myself go on and on about seemingly nothing. i never do that. i should do it more.
I'm really sad right now and i really miss you and mom. i miss being a kid. i don't want to be an adult or talk to my business partner or talk to my boyfriend or talk to my friends or do anything. i literally don't want to do anything or be held accountable for anything or anyone. not even myself. i want to crawl in a whole. actually i want to get on a plane and just go somewhere by myself. alone. completely alone. i am thinking about doing it now. just going to the airport and going away. where would i go? would it be as good if i couldn't share it with anyone? chances are someone would find me and want to talk and get to know me and i would go with it and it would be empty. i feel. empty. really empty.

i just realized this sounds like a pity party and that's now how i intend it to come across. i am just spinning thoughts and typing them without thinking. I'm still doing that now. and now. and now. it's funny when you have so much to say inside and then you go to say it or even worse write it and then start thinking about delivery and who your audience is and be aware of the goal or how it will make you and them feel. lame. maybe not thought. i
I'm thirsty.
I've been drinking a lot of water.
a lot.

i wish you were here. if you were here i would suggest that we take a slow late night summer walk over the williamsburg bridge and just sit and wait for the sun to come up. you would love all the colors. i used to love watching the sun rise as i went to work at Marlow. i was tired and depressed that i was just beginning my soon to be 10-15 hour day, but i was always thankful that i got to see the sun awakening. it's brilliant.
i wish you could see it just once from where i see it. i think you would love it. i know you would.
we would love it together.
i love you daddy.
i love you so much it hurts.
i love you bigger than the universe. last time i checked thats pretty fucking big.

Happy Easter 2012

Happy Easter Love! I hope you have a wonderful Easter Sunday and that you find so many colorful little eggs that it makes your cute little teeth hurt. Remember the egg hunts from years ago? Fond memories for sure. Love you, Dad XOXO

Leadershit

Last night I went to dinner at John and Colleen's house. They had some people over to watch the opening show for the new Mad Men season. Evidently the show has been off the air for over a year and Mad Men fans – all in attendance last night except for me – were keen to see the kick off.

There was a lady there I have spoken about before: she is a book buyer and her daughter was the original chef at AMO. She is a delightful lady, and as one would imagine of a book buyer, she is very intelligent and reads many books each week. We were discussing her work and at one point she commented that she has the opportunity for a promotion but can't take it. When I asked her why she told me that she paid her husband a generous sum each month in spousal support and that, if she were to take the promotion, she would end up taking on a huge increase in responsibility but, after the increase in spousal support, would not net any additional funds for her self. In essence, her husband benefits entirely from her good fortune and she does not. He does not work and just seems to wait for her next advancement.

I didn't mention my situation. But hearing this really floored me. And it made me think about your last blog entry about leadership. Yes, I have shown a propensity for leadership in the past – founder of the Orange County Chapter of the American Institute of Graphic Arts and the creativity leadership role at BJ's among others. But am I any better off because of it? Indeed, all those things positioned me to advance my career but in the final analysis, the salary – a questionable meter of my success but, none-the-less, the most visible meter – just became a metric for the calculation of spousal support. And from this point on, that is primarily what my income will be. My monitory success will always be monitored to see how it can be divided up for distribution.

For some years now my dreams are comprised of frustration fears; getting somewhere, getting back to someplace or not getting anywhere at all. This until recently. My last most memorable dream was filled with the excitement of painting and freedom; freedom to use exorbitant amounts of paint, to create unencumbered brush strokes, and to know nothing about what I was doing but have the exhilarating sensation that it would turn out right.

And this is what I would like my legacy to be; a legacy of creativity and voice. There are a million things in my head these days and they need to get out and onto a surface or medium I can share. I no longer care that the colors I use conjure up an era to some, or the images I am drawn to have been seen before, or that what I do reflects the age I am. Whatever I am needs to be shared.

Time to have a show – a show of hope, talent and freedom.

saturday morning

i have been up for a while, resisting the urge to get stoned. i don't know why i am resisting? maybe i don't want to hear it from daniel. any ways, i am back to the MJ grind today/tonight. it's funny how you can get nervous about something you have done so many times. i think it stems from wanting to succeed, wanting to excel, wanting to do something new and exciting within the confines or limitations you're given. tonight i am going to try some new recipes with him. it could be a disaster but my hope is that it won't be and it will show him i am still trying to surprise and impress him. He request Filet Mignon, so I will be serving that(cooked to perfection) with a Baby Carrots & Dill over a white bean puree as well as sautéed cumin spinach with toasted coconut. He doesn't want ANY carbs so i have to keep the veggies interesting and flavorful. I am typing in bed right now and Daniel keeps tossing and turning. if he knocks my computer off my lap i am going to shove him. he has been having really bad headaches and stomach issues. it makes me a little nervous, but i also know he is a bit sensitive. I just don't like seeing him in pain. what else...it looks like it is going to be a beautiful day today. I am going to a birthday picnic later and then to a site visit for an upcoming dinner party, all before shopping/cooking for dinner. i do love when i get to make something other than fucking chicken. especially since roasting a whole chicken takes time and leaves me standing around for a while. i have really started to fall in love with Pintrist and i have also started shooting little videos to start a Vlog. We had a meeting with a friend who works at a YouTube Network, Makr, who suggested we start doing more Vlogging to get a following. So, I am making a go of it. Hit the ground running and see what happens.

....Also, I think you should put together a collective. I think it is time for you to be a leader again and get people to rally around art and productivity. It got me thinking when you were mentioning all your friends(people your age) in cali who are paralyzed by the current economic situation. Get those people together, start making art about it, put it up, get it out there. If you scream loud enough.... people have to listen. You should create a "Meet Up" Group in Orange County for people who feel paralyzed by there current situation. Make it a meeting of the minds. You and Walter are not alone...bring the spark back into your creative geniuses. You are a great leader dad, others will follow you so go out and wake them up.

i love you.

PIZZA HEAD

This says it all.

fight the darkness

good morning deaner.

i have just returned from my 7am yoga class, riding my bike to and from, picking up wheatgrass for MJ/apple juice+maca for Casey(MJ's assistant)/chia seeds for my breakfast.

it's disgusting and rainy/mist here, but the temperature is bearable so it's not that bad.

i feel wide awake and aware after having a long good night sleep.

i am fighting the darkness inside.

today there will be a lot of running around. sometimes i think it would be cool to chart my path for a week. every single place that i ride and bike to and see how the patter changes or stays the same. i have a feeling it would be a lot of the same path. maybe that will be a fun art project for me to do. maybe, just maybe, by giving my path a visual sense i can then change my course, take different routes, try new things, see new places, discover all that is out there.

i think as humans we become so comfortable in patterns. it is changing the pattern that really makes us grow and become better.

there was a time when i couldn't get myself out of bed to go to the 7am class. i would make excuses or justifications. then one day i challenged myself to at least try. try to do what physically what i had committed to mentally. sure, it is still had to get up some days, but i ALWAYS feel better once i am done and knowing i have done it. i have given myself an hour. one selfish hour to think only about myself and do movements that only benefit me. in return, i benefit others with my positive outlook. without yoga i would be cranky, stiff, and frankly in pain from all my past dance injuries.

i am telling you all this because yoga helps me fight the inner darkness. yoga isn't for everyone and i understand that. but for me, yoga is everything. it is silence, it is loudness, it is heat, it is chills, it is strength, it is stretch, it is endurance, it is resistance. it is a place where i am happy. a place where i am sad. it is an environment of acceptance and reassurance. it has been life changing and i am thankful.

find your yoga. find your place that forces you to step out of your patterns. find your place where you and only you can fight the darkness. it's out there so start looking for it.

you will know it when you find it.

Eichler much?

http://www.dezeen.com/2012/01/03/izukougen-house-by-atelier-shinya-miura/#more-183449

I am in love with Dezeen! It has become apart of my morning blog/website ritual along with The Sartorialist / WhoWhatWear / Atlantic-Pacific / Seedyfilms.tumblr.com(Weston's photo blog) / Seth Godin / Weather.com.

i love and miss you.