holi-daze

It seems as though I am sleeping for long periods of time, but my quality of sleep is 10%. It is too cold to be motivated. Work is exhausting, repetitive, and somewhat gratifying. Family is far away. Friends are leaving or planning for their holiday. I am in a daze.

My body is aching. My eyes sleepy. My mind constantly wandering.

Winter. It has finally set in. Fully.

I am looking forward to my very first Christmas. I say this because it will be the first time I am not with my family or with Daniel's. Instead with the family of friends I have built in New York. I am really looking forward to it and the thought of how it will be has become all consuming. Christmas morning will be spent with Flannery, Weston, & Sven. Daniel might be there, but that is only if he decides not to go to New Jersey for the Eve. We will be having Egg Nog, a tradition that I always relate to OUR family. I will be wearing your black robe. I will also be making Cranberry Tangerine Oat Crumb Muffins. Flannery is bringing Venison & Pork Sausage laced with Gin & Scotch. She purchased it from our beloved butchers and they said it is a holiday specialty. Weston will be making Coffee and Sven is in charge of getting us all stoned out of our minds. My tree will be the focal point adorned with its white lights, black and sage matte glass ornaments, ostrich and leopard feathers, topped with a wire sculpture of a rat that Flan made me last year. The scent of pine and radiator will fill the space and then be taken over by spices and butter. We will all sit around laughing and hugging and sharing our memories of growing up and talking about our families that are near and far.

I will be thinking about you and Mommy the entire time. My heart will be heavy, but loving. My eyes will undoubtedly well up with tears. My smile will at some point turn to a frown. I am anticipating this all as to not be too overwhelmed when it hits.

I am in a Holi-daze. Missing you and wishing we were together.

I love you Daddy.