I mean... REALLY!!!

I am about to shoot myself taking this online course... just to give you an example of some of the fine reading I am up to.

Sad, no. Worried, absolutely!

I am sorry if my posts seem sad. I am not particularly sad except for the case of Nancy. I fell very hard for her, miss her and miss the affection. Plus, it is always a shock when your partner doesn't share any remorse over a breakup. But I have unfriended her on Facebook so she is free to pursue her hobby (hard to believe anyone would have Facebook as a hobby) and she can court her suitors without me knowing. She uses this sort of "poor me / wounded dove" technique to fish for compliments and the boys come out of the woodwork to express their interest. Then when she is actually on a date, there would be no Facebook posts because she was busy. No Facebook posts for a couple of days meant she was on a sleep over – Drove me nuts.

Everything else falls under the contemplative / scared shitless category. The holidays contributes greatly to the contemplative area; the absence of family, you and friends. The economy contributes to the scared shitless aspect; not enough work, slow pay, people wanting my skills but not wanting to pay (lots of proposals but not enough conversion). And no money to move along with Artstuph. Fuck.

Otherwise, all is just ducky!

monday morning.

Fighting anxiety and stress, I am trying to take deep breaths, write lists,calm myself, but nothing seems to be working. My fingers are shaking a bit and my stomach is in a fucking knot. I am sure this has to do with many things, but mainly work at this very moment. Fears of not being good enough or doing things correctly. Fuck, just writing this is making me stressed. The good news is, this entire week is dedicated to work with limited amounts of play. The other good news is that this means I will be coming home and staying home each and every night. I would love to chat with you this week, so I will give you a ring, most likely tonight.

I love what you wrote about Nanny. You should share it with her, I am sure that would light up her little heart! I know you are going through a really sad time right now and I know the holidays make it even worse. But I love you and I am here for you, in an way I can be. All my kisses and hugs.

xo

It's Sunday Night...

I am going to get drunk

I am going to get full.

I am off to indulge in delicious spirits,

wine

and food.

I am celebrating endings and new beginnings.

I am celebrating both of these on so many fucking levels.

This has been one of those days that I really really really wish you were closer.

This is one of those nights were I recognize you in everything.

This is one of those nights that I feel you everywhere.

I am glad you are with me.

Always.

Listen to this: Nine Inch Nails, Album: With Teeth, Song: Right Where It Belongs

There is always Hope

I had dinner with mom last night; lamp chops cooked with garlic, peas, mashed potatoes and a giant mushroom sautéed in butter salt and pepper. It was simple and it was good. And nobody enjoys her food like Mom. I realized that, throughout my lifetime, I have shared more meals with mom than anyone else. That is a real pleasure that I will never trivialize of dismiss.

For me, the holiday season is not what it used to be. Years past, as everyone readied for the inevitable feast with family and friends holding court, as each of us scurried around in search of the perfect gift to assure loved ones we knew them well, or just navigating the crowded streets and shops, in the back of my mind I was always wondering when and where I could get off by myself for a moment of peace and quiet.

Now I have lots of peace and quiet, aloneness. And my true family takes up the first five numbers on my speed dial. Luckily, the first number on that short list is Hope – the woman who brought me into the world. She is worried these days; about the news, about the type of world she fears her grandchildren may inherit, about her own children and the trials they are facing, about the health and welfare of her aging close girlfriends. But, unlike any other person I know, she still has a remarkable sparkle in her eyes and an easy sense of humor that can soften the roughest of times. Her spirit is pure and true. Of all the people I have encountered during my life I have learned more from my mother – My Hope.

Family Once Removed

Thanksgiving was at the Urie beach house again this year. The setting, 100 feet above the beach, is spectacular. Ever since separating in 2003, this has become the substitute ritual for me. They have invited me into their family with such ease and open arms and I have come to know the different members of Walter's extended family as though they were mine. The food was mouth-watering and the amazing aroma conjured up deep memories of when I had my own family to celebrate with. It was not the same but a welcomed reminder of one of life's sweet treasures – raising a family.

day after thanksgiving

This morning began quietly. There were no trucks, no car alarms, no screaming crazy people, no shaking of the building, no hissing of the radiator, no slamming of neighbor's doors, no screeching of the shower's water as it rises in temperature, no nothing. Dressed in men's flannel pajama pants, a men's white v-neck t-shirt, a pair of purple men's socks and an old black zip up hoodie sweatshirt of mine(that I haven't worn in over four years)I walked outside into the morning air. Silence smacked me in the face. The wooden deck still damp for the nights dewy air I decided to perch at the top and enjoy my brief moment of solitude.

It was perfection.

what a difference a list makes....

I took your advice. Advice you gave me all through my childhood, into my college years, and now most importantly into my years of attempting to be an adult. I made some fucking lists and put it all down on paper!!! There is a lot on those lists, but I have already begun to check things off. What an amazing feeling.

You know what else is an amazing feeling? When Danielle Steele's personal assistant writes you an e-mail requesting you to put together a birthday dinner party for Ms.Steele's twin daughters living in NYC. that's right, you heard me correctly. When i read the email I was shocked, then I read it to Flan and she had no idea who Danielle Steele was. Luckily we were doing a cupping, a coffee tasting to create menu pairings for an upcoming collaboration we are doing with 9th St. Espresso, with Weston who is getting his masters in English. We exchanged glances and then proceeded to inform Flan about who our newest client is. Amazing.

Today will be filled with more list making. A site visit to a possible rent able kitchen in Long Island City, Queens. I found out about it through this unforgettable cookie I had, Peanut Butter Chocolate chunk...VEGAN! I wrote to the woman who owned the company, www.thischickbakes.com, to thank her for her hard work. Since then we have been corresponding and she mentioned she recently moved her company to a new big kitchen. Light bulb goes off...I ask her if we could rent a portion of it. Thus we are going to look at the space today. We are also trying to find someone (a bar or off site bar/catering company) that will let us use or collaborate with us on the Hendricks Gin job for their Liquor License. Long story, but the company Hendricks was working with lost their license this weekend. We don't have one, so we need to find one or someone to work with us or else they have to go with a big catering company that can provide both food and spirits. Ahhhh, hustle hustle hustle. I think I found a solution though, Amid. He owns The Summit Bar and was formerly the manager of The Mercer Kitchen and had a stint at some of Jean Georges other restaurants. He is a long time neighborhood friend and very professional... keep your fingers crossed it fucking works out.

Later this evening I will be going to dance class on the upper west side with Marisa. At least I hope that pans out, lord knows I need to dance some shit out. After that our friend Liza's band is playing at a place on the Bowery called The R bar. She is great and the venue is fun so I am sure the evening will be an experience.

Tomorrow I am baking a Pear Sage Cake for Lovely Day, then Mia is taking me on some sort of a surprise trip tomorrow from 12-5. I think it will be fun, but one never knows. Upon returning to the city I will then be off to New Jersey with Daniel for Thanksgiving. We are doing it at one of his cousins house in West Jersey. I have no idea where, but it will be crazy. Yeah huge family holiday!!!! That about sums it up... my wet hair is dripping down my back right now and I only have 15 minutes to get ready and get to a meeting at 9. But this was more important. Love you.

One last thing. I love the graphic piece you did in the previous post. Great!

I THINK YOU HAVE ANXIETY

Deep breaths. Arm yourself with preparation. Live in the moment. And always get out of the way of a tiny poodle dragging it's ass across the carpet with just its front legs. That about covers it, right?

anxiety alarm clock

it has begun. Anxiety is now kicking in for the holiday season! I awoke to a sickening feeling, the session of either having to throw up or shit, the fear and uncertainty of how the fuck I am going to get everything done to the level that I envision it. Luckily I have Flannery to live through it all with. After this week our month of huge catering events begin, cross over parties both for 150 and up guests. Handling not only the food prep and set up, but also the service and environment decor. AHHHH, the more I think about all the shit we have to do the more I feel like I need to cry, scream, or hide in a dark dark corner where no one can find me. Once this passes I will be able to be very excited about all the cool shit we are doing, but until then I am pretty much a little stress ball. Welcome are the days of coffee for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe even throw in a Kambucha for some added energy. The inability to digest or even think about eating food myself starts now. At least I wont be getting fat this winter, instead I am jumping on the ban wagon of stress anorexics.

I just realized this blog is a bit of a downer. I didn't mean for it to be, but I guess this will have to be apart of the process as well. It is cloudy and kinda chilly here today and I have hours or meetings, organizing, and panicking to look forward to.

I love you...send me some positive calming vibes if you get a chance.

sunday...lazy day...jam packed with creativity

HI.

it's 12:02 and i am still in my bathrobe,actually your bathrobe,having just showered and taking my sweet as time getting ready. Yesterday was filled with work, some play, and then some real work play. Last night we went back to Kevin and David's, where we were at the other night when we were hanging out with Cleve and Rick from Courage Campaign, to celebrate Jack's birthday. Twitter Jack. It was certainly an interesting crowd, fun and certainly interesting. Sean Parker was in attendance. You know, the guy who started Napster and then was apart of the Facebook evolution. Justin Timberlake played him in The Social Network. Any ways, there were a lot of folks like that so you can imagine. We had a great time and loved getting dressed up, but we called it a night before the group moved to the first(yes the first)of many clubs they would be showing face at throughout the night's hours.

Today I am going to brunch with Daniel after stopping at the coffee shop to say hi to my neighbors and friends. After that I am going to to to Adorama to pick up some photos of mine that I had developed. Then I am going to do some creative birthday wrapping and art time. Then some choreography time. Then drop off all birthday presents with their new owners. Then drinks with Julia at 5, should be controversial, but I am going to be there for her to listen and love. Then I am meeting Marisa to choreograph for our dance class.then I will probably be tired and go to be...Tomorrow is a long day with lots of fucking shit to organize and get started on!

love you.

...mia and briana apparently hung out last night in NYC. isn't life funny.

Sunday in the rain

Hi love – Your event Friday night sounds like a real success and interesting to boot. I had a Saturday morning meeting with the Stratos Form people to show them final camera-ready art before it all goes to print; letterhead, B-cards, Christmas Card and a 24 page print-on demand-portfolio. Had a few corrections which I made this morning and dropped in their mail box (So convenient). Everything turned out really nice and I will post some of the examples at a later date. The most rewarding part was that they took one look at the copy I wrote that announces their new branding program and they loved it with not a a single change. I'm a pretty good writer it seems.

I got up early, around 4:30 today and cleaned up the house for a couple of hours. Now it is all organized and I am off to have breakfast with Marsha at Watson's. (World's worst food). After Watson's I off to Art Supply Warehouse to select some mediums for canvas finishing. I'm going through a ton of paint so I had better sell some of this shit quick. Later I am sending off the Stratos Form website to Stuart and then will probably go to bed early. That's what five-niners do. Love you and miss you. But I feel like the blog is at least keeping us in touch. XOXO Deaner

saturday

good morning daddy.

first off, my right leg really hurts today. Fuck, sometimes I think about if a magic fairy granted me one wish what would it be...definitely, without a doubt, no question in my mind that I would say to take the pain away from my hip and back.

Ok, now that I got that out of the way, it's Saturday. I am baking a Pear Lemon Zest Cake with Sage Syrup for a restaurant in Nolita called Lovely Day. Flannery and I met for coffee at 10am, then we had a meeting with a possible intern, Kevin O'Connor. He was tall. He was also very calm, well dressed, seemingly intelligent, and best of all...HE WAS ON TIME!!! I mean exactly on time. The buzzer rang at 11am on the dot. In my book he scored a lot of points at that moment. We will see what he thinks and if he wants to come and work for us to manage our web presence as well as be a prep chef in the kitchen. His background both in school and his other externships is pastry so I feel like him and I are on the same anal / exacting wave length. After Thanksgiving he is gonna give us a ring to discuss coming in for a trail. Lord knows we need the help right now with all the huge parties we are doing for the holiday!!! fuck. I just got a little stressed. Now I am anxious. Ok. It passed.

Right now I am listening to this band "Future Islands." Daniel introduced them to me and at the dinner party we did last night the hostess had them on her play list. The song playing is "Little Dreamer." it's a good one. The lead singers voice is pretty magical.

So last night's dinner party... wow. Sometimes I really love what we do when we have an opportunity to cook for a fantastic and interesting group of people. Last night was one of those nights. The setting was a hip, modern yet comfortable one bedroom apt in the Financial District. The building was relatively new, a lot of floors, a lot of douche people(this did not include the people we worked for). Champagne was flowing. The music selections were perfect pairings with the food (both husband and wife work in the music industry). Bottom line, we were able to hang out and cook for these very appreciative folks. They were all very knowledgeable about the food world and it was evident they were all "foodies," I mean that in a good way. We were back in the kitchen unloading by 12. Completely exhausted and hungry from not eating all day, you forget that just tasting things during a 13 hour work day doesn't really cut it sometimes. We both made ourselves different bowls of soup based on what was stocked/left over from previous jobs. Flannery had a cauliflower soup with micro micro watercress, toasted pine nuts, olive oil drizzle, cracked black pepper. I, on the other hand, had roasted butternut squash soup with micro arugula, sriracha(asian hot sauce) and a couple bites with peanut butter which was mind blowing! My bowl of soup is at the top.

So where does my day go from here? Well, the cake is cooling, but once that is ready I will deliver it downtown and then I think I am gonna meet up with Mia. We will probably hang for a while. Later I am gonna hang out with Flan, Quinn, and Brit. They are coming over to hang left over fois gras mousse terrine with bruleed top and cranberry gelee. Similar application as the one we had at Jean Georges when you and Marsha were here. After wine and liver we will be heading to a gallery opening of a dear friend and soon to be boss of Quinn's. The show is all oil portraits in a very animated colorful style. Kinda of oil versions of my watercolors, just to give you an idea. After that I am going to meet up with Daniel to go over to Kevin and David's apartment for Jack's birthday. Damn, that sounds like a jam packed day when I write it all down. I love you and miss you.

xo

cold weather work day

Jesus. yesterday was a long one, an extremely fun one, but a long one! Our brief lunch at the Vietnamese Pho Restauratn, Nha Trang, was delicious and warming. Mia arrived completely hung over and upon reaching our table immediately put her bags down and moved towards the bathroom simply stating in a dead pan manner, "I have to throw up." Minutes later she returned and in her absence Flannery and I broke into laughter thinking about her state in the figure drawing class to come. I was admittedly a little worried to take her since I was unsure as to whether or not she would projectile vomit all over the little person. But we slurped down our soup and rushed off to Spring Street studios. When we arrive to the cavernous underground room of ancient isles and drawing boards we were informed by the over 70 crowd that our model wasn't there yet. While Mia was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on I volunteered to sit for a portrait while the class waited. This proved to be beneficial for me because I didn't have to pay for the class due to my assistance. Three and a half hours later we had pages of 20 minute drawings and a more detailed 45 min(x3) long pose. She loved every minute, as did I!!! Then we headed off to have a cocktail in the lounge of the Bowery Hotel, a frequent retreat for us when we are together. Manhattans, Hot Toddys, and Gin on the rocks down. It was time to eat again so we hopped on our bikes, just in time to miss the super trendy super stuck up super fucking annoying people that were herding into the lobby. Bellies full of mouth watering sashimi our day of due adventure had ended and we realized we had to go to our next destination. Drop Off Service(formerly a laundry mat) was filled with familiar glowing faces all there to celebrate Weston and Mia's birthday. The local beers were flowing, laughter was echoing through the dark wood planked room, and our birthday friends were happy. 1 am rolled around real quick and upon glancing at our watches a group of us said our good byes and headed home.

Today it is fucking freezing and I am not looking forward to going outside. flannery and I are doing an 8 person 5 course birthday dinner party this evening so we will be running around town to pick up ingredients for our feast. It is a beautiful menu(see below) and it promises to be a lovely evening cooking for strangers.

love you.

LG

MENU

Butternut Squash Soup Shot / Orange & Sage Foam

Foie Gras Bruleé / Cranberry Gelèe / Grilled Bread

Sweet Berkshire Pork Sausage / Butter Brussel Sprouts / Red Pepper Flakes / Orecchiette

Seared Steak / Confit Tomato & Garlic Sauce / Micro Green Salad

Maple Custard / Cracked Pepper Whip Cream / Shortbread Cookie

SUGGESTED PAIRINGS

White Bordeaux / Kerner / Soave

Montepulciano / Rioja / Pino Noir

The Cupid Thing Sounds Great

Hi love,

Ask your buddy if his new friend with the nighty ever travels to California – be nice to help a brother out, right? Moving on. I was up early today just taking care of crap; administrivia to the nth degree. Finished up around 9:30 and sat down to work on the StratosForm Website. I'm putting all the criteria together to send off to Stuart so that he doesn't get bored over the holidays. Then did some new business stuff to see if I can line up some more work. As always, hope something comes of all the effort.

This afternoon I met Bob Guzman for a casual lunch and he filled me in on all his adventures. The actual lunch was hilarious.

As long as I have known Bob, he asks for extra napkins almost immediately upon sitting down. This lunch was no exception. Like clock work he asked the server for extra napkins and, quick like a bunny, she was back with a stack in no time. (It's one of those things like John Conroy senior – he would complain that his soup was cold even if it was steaming up his glasses.) The server said she would give us a moment and Bob and I began to bring each other up to speed.

He had a bad cough and kept needing to turn away to cough. Each time he did, I would grab a bunch of napkins and hide them in my lap under the table. He never noticed the pile getting smaller. Two coughs later, all the napkins were gone. A few minutes went by and Bob realized he was napkinless, waved over the server and asked her to please bring him the napkins he had requested. Puzzled but cheery, she did so with enthusiasm and dispatch and Bob was soon happy. He mumbled to me that she was a fucking idiot. He continued to cough and I, with stone face, continued to steal his napkins. Again, he noticed the napkinlessness. This time he was really perturbed, raised his voice and said, rather loudly, "Waitress! Napkins!" She finished talking to another customer and rushed over to our table looking very sheepish. Bob laid into her about how the restaurant seemed to have a shortage of napkins – please bring some:NOW. (Customer is always right, right?)

Off she went dutifully returning soon after with the biggest pile of napkins you have ever seen. Stretching out the two words so that they would drip with facetiousness, Bob said "Thank. You." She said no problem and I knew my moment was upon us. I asked if I could get a warm up on my coffee and then pulled out the 3 inch high stack of "missing" napkins from my lap and said, "And could you bring me some new napkins – these seem to have lost their fluff!" The server was close to tears. Bob said, "You fucker!", started to laugh, which quickly turned into an uncontrollable cough. Jesus, I thought he was going to stroke out. Needless to say, napkins abound for the rest of the lunch.

Love you, Dad

birthdays

Good morning deaner.

It's 11:37am and I feel like I have already had a full day. Up early this morning with a full stomach from an amazing dinner I shared with DP last night. Then I was off to the Coffee shop to meet up with Flannery and ultimately run into everyone I know in the neighborhood. I saw this guy Andrew, who is a casual coffee shop friend, think Zack Galafianakis. He is quite a character and retold an hysterical story to Flan and I about some chick he met online(okcupid.com) who came over to his apt to apparently watch Dancer in the Dark, but when she showed up (when ALL of her showed up) all she wanted to to was have sex with him. He was certainly caught off guard when she said she was going to "slip into something more comfortable" and came out in a very revealing nighty. Any ways, he went on and on and we were practically wetting out pants. Then we ran into Weston and Sven, and shared our last few sips of cafe with the handsome duo. Flan and I just finished a shit ton of proposals and emails, now we are off to meet Mia for a lunch of hot noodle Pho and then I am taking Mia to the figure drawing class. I am really looking forward to the expression on her face when she processes that we are going to be sketching a "little person" for the next 3 1/2 hours!!! Fantastic.

love you.

New Work

Hi Love - Well let's see how this works for us. I think it is a great idea to have a mind dump between us and I look forward to it. ZThere are so many time in the day that I wish I could show you what I am doing, share an idea or just unload a bit. And this is it. In keeping with the notion that this should reflect our everyday goings on, my first upload is a piece I finished this weekend.

The original effort for this painting started back more than a year and a half back. I was excited and blocked out the painting quickly. Primed and ready to go, I started taping to do the hardline method but, after a few days, I went cold on it. Lady friend was taking up my time and I figured I would return with some vigor in a week or two. But weeks turned into months and other work got my attention. Then last week I uncovered the canvas. The tape had hardened on to the canvas and, after hours of scraping it, there was still a residue of glue. What the fuck – never waste a good surface. So I started over and wipped this up in two days.

After about two days it was starting to take form but i needed to do one of those 'stare at it for hours things. So I hung it up on the display wall in the living room. Some time during the evening I took a few raw file pictures and brought it into the computer. The light did wonders and, compared to the actual piece, the photo – with all its shadows and highlights, was amazing. Duplicated the visual, laid it over the original and turned it at a 90 degree angle. Then I messed with the opacity and the visual started to really sing. The final piece will be a mixed media composition comprised of the original painting as a backdrop with ghosted imagery printed on plexiglass positioned in front. The whole thing will be mounted in a shadow bow-type frame. I am thinking about adding some type/message features as well. Most importantly, it is sunny and warm.

Off to a good start though. Love you, Dad

November 17,2010 1:08pm

Deaner.

This is the first of many. We are embarking on a new project, one were we will connect through our day to day. A challenge to us both to describe the little things. Share. Teach. Inspire.

Currently I am listening to Radiohead "Paranoid Android"on last.fm radio, oh shit, it just changed to Massive Attack "Future Proof." I love using this site when I am working on the compute because I can just plug in a band or style of music that I am in the mood to listen to and then it plays a stream of music with similar artists based on my selection. It is a kick ass way to hear new music or old music that I forgot I like. I have been working on the computer for the past two hours writing work e-mails, looking for dance studio spaces to rent for the dance class Marisa and I are putting together called "MOVES," and trying the figure out when the fuck my prints from Adorama are going to be ready! I was hoping to have them by tomorrow as they are gifts for friends, but of course I have to wait until early next week. It is my own fault for waiting until the last minute, but who could blame me in this day and age of getting everything quick and immediate I just figured my request would be fulfilled exactly to my liking. It really sucks when I don't get my way.

Today is Daniel's 30th birthday. We are going to dinner at ABC Kitchen inside of Union Square's ABC Home & Carpet. I have been once before with Julia and it was so wonderful. Daniel has never been and I know he is going to love it. I also got him a "Mountain Medley Thumbpiano" for his desk at work. I love the way it sounds and I thought it would be something nice for him to have that would enable him to create music in his work environment. Not to mention it looks cool as shit and it smells like cedar, but in actuality "...the resonator ...is a selected hard shell gourd or coconut." Well it smells like cedar to me which oddly enough reminds me of those little chips Mom used to but in our drawers and winter clothes to keep moths away, apparently it is a moth repellent. Thank god for that too because I hate the way moth balls smell!

I also just finished having a series of back and forth emails with this woman Minerva who runs Spring Street Studio, an open class figuring drawing studio in the heart of Soho. I thought it would be fun to take Mia for her birthday and we could do something creative together. We are going to go to the 1-4:30 session in which we will get to do a series of short and long pose drawings. The last email I received from Minerva she told me tomorrow is going to be a particularly special class because the model is Sean who is an actor and a "little person." I mean really!!!! How amazing is this going to be. I can guarantee she will never forget it. I am not sure what we will do afterwards, but who cares.

So where is my day going from here? I am now going to do some design work and then I am going to write some boring work emails and then I am going to go over to my friends Weston and Sven's apartment. They are two lovely men who came with us to Cape Cod for oyster fest. I first met Weston because he is a barista at 9th St.Espresso who happens to share the same birthday with Mia (tomorrow, Nov.18th). He lives with Sven who is his best friend and at one point they were boyfriends, but now they are just friends. Weston really reminds me of you which I think I have mentioned to you before. I tell him all the time and he never gets tired of hearing it. He can't wait to meet you.

Ok daddy, I am going to sign off because this first blog has become a bit long winded. I look forward to your first entry and hearing all about your electrical work and photo shoot.

love you so.