Happy New Year

Some. Where. Over. The Rainbow...

Yummy

Thanks Love – I think I am going to try and cook this on Sunday. This lady's blog is pretty cool and her photography is really beautiful. Has a "Nigella" look to it: beautiful temperature and crisp light. Girl's got skills.

Friday Leslie is spending the night and we are going to have a brainstorming session on what she might like to migrate to as her life evolves. Could be fun. Saturday I get Yoda for the remainder of the weekend but I feel guilty because I going to be gone so much. I am taking Eileen to meet Cherry and we all going to a " Mussels" party at Tammy's loft (the tall, poser interior designer) in downtown. Before that Cherry is taking us to another party – birthday for a transsexual friend. Hope they don't sing Broadway tunes. All in all, it should be a real hoot as my two precious ladies mix it up and invariably beat up on me.

Now that I say all that I wonder if the Sofrito has a chance in hell of getting made? Love You, Dad

Sofrito anyone?

http://www.wherethecookiesare.com/2011/12/06/asopao-maybe-and-sofrito/

after you told me that you liked the flavors of the mussels, I saw this and thought it would be a perfect dish for you to make. I love you daddy and miss you so much.

adjusting to reality...i hate it

I have been back in NY for three days now and let me tell you it has been a rough adjustment. It always is, but this time has left me feeling more melancholy than usual. Overwhelmed by the questionable fact of when I will see you and mom again. Saddened by the reality that it is never enough time. My visits are never enough. We never get to do everything. Sometimes it is nice to just do nothing, just have daily life, just hang. But ultimately, it makes me feel a little bummed that we don't get to share more with each other. I mean this in the sense, that I long to just call you up on any given day and meet for lunch. Shoot you a text and say hi, come meet me for a drink. Send you an e-mail showing you something cool that we can do together. It becomes more and more difficult the older i get to come to terms with the realization that we may never get to share day to day life together. so that's why I think you should move to New York.

On a not much lighter note, Marisa and I had MOVES tonight. The three people that showed up did a great job, but it left us feeling so defeated and lame. Honestly, it wasn't my favorite combination any ways, but fuck!!! How do you get people to get into your stuff? How do you get a tribe going? How do you make people follow you? I have no god damn idea. Tonight did, however, leave me with a decision. I have always wanted to put on a burlesque type dance show. So I am going to start choreographing. Sexy. Smart. Stylish... stay tuned.

My mind is all over the place and I am finding it difficult to type and focus. I am going to eat my cottage cheese and then jump out my window. just kidding. well, at least about the window part.

i love you daddy

Wish you were here

It has a been a few days since you left for NYC. This leaves things here a bit quiet to say the least. It is indeed a pleasure to to wake and know you are in the other room: to see your "stuff" on the kitchen table and to smell a faint cooking fragrance left over from the previous days culinary treat. Now I get up and foolishly start down the hall to see if you are still there, enter the kitchen and glance to see an empty table or notice the "steed" parked in the street and yield to the fact that it will sit idle today. And then there are the activities that I wanted to do with you but never got the chance – pick up a few new computer skills, make some art together, learn from you, and share what I know so that you could learn from me.

As we both hit on in a conversation, it is all about how we choose to spend our time. But I find it is also about having the time to think of what we want to choose to spend our time on. Alas, I always remember so many things I wanted to do with you after you are gone. Basic survival and negotiations with others gets the better of me so I better start writing those things down. Love you so, Dad

Back With My Bud

I always get a sense of excitement and cheery anticipation with the possibility of being with you again. When this photo was taken, after searching all over the bloody county for wig heads or any thing that resembled a mask, I remember how wonderful it was that I was able to carve out the time to spend with you and looked forward to the pride I would feel having you close to me: drown in that easy love that we seemed to share so readily. It was nice to for us to be a Dad/Daughter team and, in some small way, help others. But mostly, I remember just being with you and thinking how perfect it is to have a Bud like you.

Now, balancing work and friends and personal agendas, we must negotiate for special moments – get the requisite hall passes from all the various compartments and, indeed, time itself. But the notion that we will be together again soon makes me hope that I will live a long time just to experience our special bond over and over and over and over again. XOXO Love you so. Dad

once again home.

i am so looking forward to coming home once again.

each time i return there are new things i appreciate,

different things i notice,

new ways of doing things,

new places to go.

but always the same lovely people to see.

i can't wait to see you and spend time with you and cuddle and laugh and go on adventures.

i can't wait.

i love you daddy.

amen

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=heidi+klum+halloween+2011&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=142839l143817l1l144415l5l4l0l1l1l0l197l667l0.4l5l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&biw=1828&bih=895&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi

THE UPSIDE OF HALLOWEEN

Women like to dress like sluts. Thank fucking God for that!

thank god it's over!!!

halloween can suck it for all i am concerned. Four fucking days of costumes, drunk people, parties, yelling, makeup, fake blood, more drinking, more costumes, pumpkins, candy, more drinking more screaming more more more.... now it's finally over. I can't even tell you what blur the past few days have been. Between work and play it has been a non stop roller coster of crapy weather, drinking like a fish, cooking like a servant, serving like a maid, and washing dishes like well, a dishwasher. Ok, all this might be a bit harsh because I had fun along the way, but jesus fucking christ halloween weekend '11 was a doosy. I also am having some serious back difficulties, so I am not really enjoying my physical situation. However, some lovely percacets from Shelley have been helping through the really rough times. Also, the peanut butter that I am eating by the spoonful is putting me in pretty good spirits as I type. Nothing like being a great chef with nothing in your fridge to cook and only wanting or needing something that requires a spoon and the strength to scoop and bring to one's mouth. I gotta tell ya it is hitting the spot right now. Admittedly I have become quite keen on almond, sunflower or cashew butter, but the original classic pb is doing the trick(no halloween pun intended).

Now that one holiday is past us we can all look forward to THANKSGIVING!!!

sharing is caring

MUSIC

Artist: Mark Ronson & The Business Intl

Album: Record Collection (Explicit)

Favorite Songs: "Somebody to Love Me" & "You Gave Me Nothing"

Artist: Chairlift

Album: Amanaemonesia

Artist: The Weeknd

Album: Thursday & House of Balloons

Artist: Chief

Albums: Breaking Walls, Night & Day, and Modern Rituals

Arist: Shenandoah Davis

slacker

you are seriously slacking on your blogging obligations!

that's ok, i understand completely.

sometimes it is just fun to bust your balls like you bust mine:)

October is a pretty fucking awesome month

I don't know if I ever told you this, but historically for me, October has been that super strange month out of the year. I run into old friends, old boyfriends, have strange work encounters, get odd job offers, feel weird inside(more so than usual) etc. Well not this year! So far this month has been super rad in all facets of my life. Work has been great, flannery and I are really jiving and new clients keep rolling in. Personal life has also been pretty bitch'n. My relationships with friends and lovers are focusing on love, compassion, laughter and communication. What more could you ask for?! Creatively I feel alive...my yoga practice is at an all time high, i am planning(although still in my head) a dance show, i am taking dance as much as possible, i have been writing a lot and reading more. Do you ever go in reading cycles? there are times when i really enjoy sitting down with a book and getting lost. then there are periods where my mind just wonders and my eyes stair at the pages of letters, sentences, paragraphs... all i see are shapes.

side note: i cooking delicious crispy skinned salmon last night with a lemony kale & almond salad. dinner was yummy. the downside is now my fucking apartment smells like crispy skinned salmon. when i opened the door this morning upon returning from yoga i almost gagged from the overwhelming odor. what the fuck. i even had all the windows open and candles burning. anyways

i am eating raw oatmeal from one of my new favorite places, The Juice Press. I actually have begun making my own raw oatmeal and homemade cashew milk. Talk about a treat... i soak raw cashews(unsalted or roasted) over night in a 2 to 1 ratio of water. the next day i puree the nuts and the cashew water with agave, cinnamon, and a pinch of salt. this makes a thick and luxurious nut milk. sometimes i add more water if i want it to be thinner, but for the oatmeal the thicker the better. then i take 1/4 cup of scottish raw oats, which look more like goat feed than the steel cut oats most of us are used to, and add 1 cup of the cashew milk. stir this and let is sit in a container over night so that the oats can absorb and expand. i mean to tell you, SO FUCKING GOOD!!! oatmeal is actually really great for your bones and your joints and by eating it raw you consume all the nutrients that nature intended you to have. On that note, i watched a documentary on Netflix about Vidal Sasoon. What an amazing man he is. Aside from his hair empire he is also extremely nutrition and health savvy. At over 80 years old he looks like a million bucks. I can't urge you enough to exercise and eat well, it is the main thing we should focus on as human beings and it makes me so sad that it gets pushed to the back burner more often than not. That was my rant and rave.

Alright, it is a beautiful warm fall day and I have to get dressed and go to the coffee shop. Today is Marc's first official day back, even though i was at the house this weekend making him cookies and stocking the pantry with all his favorites. I love you...

10.3.11

can you fucking believe it is already October? i can't. new york has become chilly virtually overnight and i don't like it one bit. there is something about a chill in my bones that i will never get used to. sure, i love the seasons changing and what that means for cooking, clothes,etc. but Jesus, i hate being cold. i hate getting out of the shower and immediately having goose bumps. i hate putting on so many layers that i feel like a packed sausage. i hate that the sun isn't up when i get up at 6:20 for yoga. i hate the that very same sun goes to bed so god damn early so that the night is endless and the day is but a glimmer of light. i hate the thought of the the months ahead that are filled with dropping temperatures, hissing radiators, rain, snow, wind, and ice.

it's true, i hate all of those things. but i do love you and i love that you're my dad and i love that i am alive and i love that i can dance, bike ride, cook, sing, draw, paint, laugh, cry, hug, kiss, smile, high-five, snuggle, and love. i love that i can love. no matter how cold it is i am still full of warmth and love for you and everyone special in my life. so there. go fuck yourself cold weather because i am to hot for you!

Time To Update Mount Whitney Moments

It's been about a month so the blog begs to be revived or someone might think we have abandoned our relationship. Plus, I needed to put some "post" space between myself and the poop photo. Just sayin'. XOXO Dad

I kinda didn'y like the other one so I did this.

A bit more elegant just like you. Love you , Dad

hi

HI DEANER

I LOVE YOU.

XXXOOO

LG

Missed FEDEX

Hello sweetheart – Myra is dropping off Yoda for the month, running late which means I am going to miss the FEDEX pick up so you will get your Birthday ditty a little late. I try not to miss your birthday but this year has been different to say the least. But I know you will have a great time as you move forward to year 28 – hard to believe. Enjoy! Love, Dad

DOG DAYS

It is hot! Really, really Hot! The sky is a remarkable blue and there is a breeze moving east. But nothing is moving with it. The Humming Birds are sitting quietly on the bare branches of the neighbors Peach Tree. There's a cat, looking as if it has no bones beneath its fur, sitting dazed at far end of the yard. The pool is inviting me in with a slight, shinny foil-like shimmer. But the cement in between me and that cool relief is about as friendly as a stretch of hot coals at a Tony Robins retreat. It's hot mother fucker!

life.

life really gets a hold of you sometimes.
it wraps it's big overpowering arms around you and squeezes you so tight that you almost can't breathe. it bears down on you and shakes you and then shakes you some more. in these times i find it very difficult to express myself. to let go. to open up. to reach out. to be there for others. i am just coming out of one of those times.
life was really holding me down, back, quiet. i am coming out of it strong and ready. i am going to take over the universe and i can't wait to share the journey with you. i love you daddy. so very very very very much.
i am thankful for you and us and what we mean to each other. i am so thankful. thank you.

Mid Summer Festival

Poop

Literally. I have cleaned out my diet, well sort of. I am now on my Summer ritual of drinking a lot of wine(probably too much) and only eating grains, greens, protein, and nuts. I tell you what, the combination is fucking crazy!!! I was so impressed with myself today I had to take a picture. I am also completely disgusted with myself, but I figured who better to share it with than you. I can't imagine showing anyone else this in the entire world, but you daddy. I hope you take that as the biggest compliment ever because it is. I mean really. What the fuck is going on in my body? Whatever it is it came out and is in this picture. Nothing like a good laugh from a great poop photo.
On a less shitty topic, I have two big meetings today. One with Julia to talk about some consulting things and the other with the production/entertainment company. Send good thoughts and positive vibes my way because I am making some "shit" happen today. Once again, I can't avoid the poop joke.

Father's Day 2011

As I have done for the past five or so years, save a year or so with Nancy, I headed up to Rodeo Drive to see the annual display of exotic automotive muscle to help my Father's Day pass undetected. As one would expect, there were plenty of little sons and daughters asking their Dads which car they like best and promising that some day soon they would buy the head of the house a four wheel wonder that was even bigger and better than the one he had pointed out. It was overcast. An eclectic mix of the haves and the have nots, everyone walked with small, snail-like steps. We were soon tired of navigating the slow motion herd and headed a block West to a quaint coffee shop on Camdan – a photo on the cover of the menu said EST.1939. It was fun to think about what Beverly Hills must have been like back then.

After lunch we finished the tour of the cars and were soon on our way to Surface to look at food and kitchen ware. I bought some chocolate covered malt balls and a very expensive jar of Truffle Honey. The girl at the cash register asked if I was a Dad and I said yes. "Thought so." she sighed and said I reminded her of her Dad in Ohio and she missed him. I said, "He misses you too."

I was home by 5:00 P.M. I made a grilled peanut butter and Truffle Honey sandwich on rye. It was terrible. Wish I knew more about food.

quiet moments captured by the one who loves me most...next to you and mommy. I was at peace, what a gift that is.
i love you daddy.

Heart

It has been said that by the age of four, we are all artists. And by the time we are seven, we are poets. The notion goes that, as long as society doesn’t bake out the creativity in us all, there simply are no limits to what we can do. Our art becomes the bold ways we choose to live and brighten the lives of others.

In this light, it must be said that, the individuals and families who battle cystic fibrosis on a daily basis are truly prodigies – their art is the brave engagement with the

disease, the remarkable ways they imagine the possibilities in spite of it and their unfailing hope that they too can enjoy the best that life has to offer.

Chronicled here again tonight, these spirited people kindly share with us a corner of the canvas of their lives. Once again we are moved by their generosity and deeply inspired by the breadth of their heart. DG

From The 28th CF Gala Book

seeing double

I feel like I am seeing double. Sometimes I actually wish there was two of me so that I could be split in different directions. That's not the case, so this double image is just for fun. It's also funny because I pulled my neck today and this picture shows how I am bracing myself. I knew it was going to happen too. I woke up with a funny feeling in my neck and sure enough as the day progressed through work, bike riding, lifting, stirring, dancing... it's out. I am seeing a doctor tomorrow who I have been meaning to see for the past year. She is who all my dance friends go to and she is supposed to be amazing. Every time I have made an appointment I have to cancel because something related to work comes up. This last time was a because I had to film CHOPPED the second day... and loose, oh well. So I finally broke, literally, and tomorrow at 9am I am hoping that Dr. Isis Medina will heal me and make my equilibrium come back to Earth. Love you daddy.

Start Talking to OTHER PEOPLE!!!

Daddy, you know I love you, but sometimes I just don't understand why you do the things you do or choose to communicate the way you do? I know this can be said for me as well, but as you know, life is a constant struggle to better one's self and how we treat those around them. That being said, I feel like I need to tell you that the blog posting you wrote yesterday made/makes me feel terrible. I don't think that is the way to go about this. This is a safe place and a happy place for BOTH of us.

This past weekend I have merely been trying not to cry with the overwhelming dissappointment and sadness I have from losing a HUGE competition. Not to mention the complete exhaustion I have been battling from not sleeping or eating for the past week. The tremendous pressure, although self induced, has made it difficult to focus on anything other that the constant question in my head of "am I good enough..." follow by " what the fuck am i doing!!!" Lets also not forget that after losing on friday and being up until 2am I then had to get up at 5am both saturday and sunday to work. WORK!!! Cook more for people. Then after cooking I had to go and teach with a fucking smile on my face. I had to go and be happy for OTHER people even though i was so filled with sadness for myself. Yesterday I also had to work. More cooking, which is what i love, but can feel more like work than fun.

Yes it is true, my life is filled with many people. My day to day routine starts early and ends late. My obligations are many and I try to fulfill and live up to them as best I can. Of course I fall short, but I am giving it my best which is something you have instilled in me. Sure my social network pages are filled, please remember I am also using those forums as a networking and press tool. I don't not necessarily enjoy taking an hour to upload and post videos, or tweeting about every fucking meal i make, or commenting on clients and friends pages just to make sure they aren't forgetting about me.

I love you. I wish there was more time and somethings more energy to devote to just US. I wish we were closer. I wish we were richer so we could fly back and forth and share in one another's lives. I wish all of that. In the mean time, I am doing my best to love you the best way I know how.

Here is my advice for you if you are lonely.
Go out and make new friends. Start talking, people will listen because you are passionate and intelligent and most of all funny as shit. Put yourself out there. Get out of your house. Find new things to do. Don't use monitary funds or distance as an excuse. There are a lot of cool things for free and awesome people who are close. If you are unhappy with something change it. It isn't fair to focus that unhappiness on the fact that I haven't posted in a few days or weeks. I started this blog, remember that. I began this journey with you to learn about you and us in a new way, not to put limitations or expectations on each other.

We are creatives. We are creators. We are lovers. We love one another.

Talking to Myself!

There is certainly more information on your Facebook page than there is on Mount Whitney Moments – Moves video, Science of the Lambs, photos of friends, etc. Aside from the occasional client meeting, a couple of hours a week visiting with Marsha and a 30 minute coffee with Walter, I am primarily alone. So when I write to you on this blog the assumption was (is) that you would be reading and interacting with me on a very personal level. But you really are not.

I feel guilty because I know you are very busy. I know you will call me when you can. And I know you know I love you. But I think MWM is simply another obligation that you have taken on that requires understanding and patience from me. When, in actuality, I'm just talking to myself – it amplifies my aloneness: horribly.

Congratulations Chef Lauren!

Dearest Lauren,

Your lineage on my family's side, the sum total of people and their individual identities, has been diverse and varied. It includes a high-ranking electrical engineer in the Canadian government, a butcher in liverpool, an airline executive, some real estate practitioners, a Christian missionary in India and a few Christian family counselors in Georgia, a bus driver, a carpenter: the list goes on. And I am a designer and occasional artist. In your case, I would call it a creative ( a quadruple threat).

As you were growing up I thought you might be a singer, may be a dancer, or an actress, and then perhaps a painter or another designer – you were meant to do good things and there was never a question that you would not achieve your goals. The goal you have set for this moment in your life, to be not just a chef, but a chef that can bring delight and joy is becoming a reality and I am indeed amazed by the passion and talent you display. Congratulations – meal well done! Love Dad

Mother's Day 2011

Nanny and I got together for brunch just before noon. She had been on the phone for a few hours talking to you , Steven Worrall and a few girlfriends so nothing much had been done to bring the brunch to fruition. We quickly teamed up together in the kitchen and started to pull out some bacon, sausage, mushrooms and eggs. And the star of the typical British- style brunch: six or so plump lambs kidneys – let the mixed grill begin! We laughed hysterically throughout the preparation and in no time we were sitting down to the greasy sunny-side up eggs surrounded by fat laden meats, some fresh scones and a large glass of white wine for each of us.

Neither of us could move after the feast. We slowly moved to the living room, fired up the TV and watched the Lakers lose miserably to Denver – end of the playoffs and Phil Jackson's rein as coach. Hope knew nothing about basketball so I filled her in along the way and she seemed to enjoy it. She won't remember a single thing I told her for sure. I love my Mom. And I will miss her when the time comes. It will be sooner or later but inevitable. She is a true best friend.

Hope Springs Eternal In My Heart!

Happy Mother's Hope!

Glass Half Full

Getting my head on straight

I am feeling a whole hell of a lot better this week. I don't know what the fuck was going on last week, but I sure was in a funk. I have been going to yoga every morning at 7am and going to dance at least twice a week, it helps me be sane. Work is also starting to pick up and look better. Personal relationships are smoothing themselves out. Anxiety about Chopped is fading (although I am sure it will return with avengence next week). I guess my silence or inability to talk was due to the fact that I was having to many inner dialogues that I just could manage having any real ones with real people. My personalities are chilling out and I can breath again. Life is funny that way isn't it.

Today I am meeting with Flannery to discuss menus for upcoming gigs, then dance rehearsal with Marisa for MOVES, then some afternoon bike riding to clear my head, and then off to a concert with Daniel tonight. I am approaching the day with delight and hopefulness that I will learning something new, make someone laugh, smile about something simple and be a richer person than I was when I woke up. I wish the same for you! Love you sooooooo much daddy.

Have we talked lately!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzSaoN2LdfU

Nanny sent this to me so I called her to tell her it was really funny! You guessed it – she couldn't remember sending it. We had a laugh or two about that. Love you – Dad

MAY!!!

oh heavens, i certainly didn't mean to imply i wanted a vacation from you. i love you so much and you will definitely hear from me before may is over. in fact, i have a feeling you will hear from me before this weekend is over. i love you so very much and the stratosform site looks great! super clean and comprehensive. the color palette is great and very welcoming. congrats and job well done.

Time to Chill....

I just read your email – who's being negative now? It's not like you but I certainly appreciate your sentiments. You have a rather complicated life right now and there seems to be some things about it that are gnawing at you. And that's what you need to focus on – not me or your Mom.

I for one, love to hear from you. Both as a daughter and as a valued colleague and sounding board. But I think we would both agree that if dialog is fleeting, superficial or simply just too difficult to fit in, might as well not do it. So I suggest you just chill from your familial role and do a deep dive into the life you are building and try to get it right: design it the way you are most comfortable and delighted to share. There is no need to feel like you are being a bad friend or communicator or the like – that just stokes guilt and then you will instinctively jump to a defensive posture when we do connect. So my counsel is to put some space between the things that are pressuring you (real or perceived) and take a look at life's most important issues; to be authentic, to find your presence and to nurture a sense of service to your life an the life of others.

So take a months vacation from from me and the notion that you have to connect. I'll see you on the other side of May. Just rest assured Lauren, I will be here when you need me, unconditionally with open arms and a loving heart. XOXO Dad

PS. Just launched the StratosForm Website plus new brand identity. Check it out. www.stratosform.com/

time & distance

i have been thinking a lot. not that i don't think a lot normally, but lately i feel like thinking a lot more than i feel like talking. my mind seems to be flooded with contemplation. what should i be doing with my life? what am i doing with my life? where do i want my life to go? where am i in all of this? how do i fit in? what puzzle piece am i? which road should i take? which path is best for me? which directions should i move forward in?

i am not quite sure why, but lately i just haven't felt like talking to you and mom. i think about you both a million times a day. literally. it feels terrible inside. i want to call you, but i don't really feel like talking. sometimes i wish we could just sit on the phone in silence and pretend we are cuddling. that is what i feel like doing, cuddling. being held by the two people who love me and comfort me the most. if only i had that. i hate the time that goes by without sharing our lives together. i hate it. i understand it, but i hate it. it's difficult to feel like i am not apart of your daily life. it's sad that you are not apart of mine because i feel like we could enrich one another so much on such an intense level. i am coming out of this funk. i can feel myself slowly pulling out of it. i want to talk and i want to let you know how much you mean to me. i know you already know that, but i also know how important it is to hear it on a regular basis. i am being a shitty communicator and thus a shitty friend and daughter. i know this. i wanted you to know that i know this and it don't like so i am changing, but it is taking me a little bit of time and distance. I LOVE YOU!

Chopped!

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say how much I enjoyed watching you on Chopped. Lauren, you definitely have a presence on screen. Maybe for you it is just good to know or maybe it is something that, in time, you will leverage and use to amplify your gifts. That is up to you. But I know now that whatever you do will be done with a positive smile, grace and mad skills. How fortunate you are to know this. And how fortunate am I, and all your other friends and loved ones, to know you.

My pride for you and love of you is ever growing. Dad

BITE ME.

ice teeth. makes me smile every time. love you daddy.

It's Official! Just a little ditty...

Foggggg.....

When I opened my curtains today and barely saw the building across the street it reminded me of California. I have such vivid memories of getting dressed in the morning, eating breakfast at the kitchen island, getting in my car and driving to the coast for school. As I approached my destination by the sea the fog would build and build until all you could see were the street lights and the bumper of the car in front of you. With music blasting and all my friends that I car pooled (for free!) chatting and discussing the day ahead, I would roll the window down just an inch or two to take a deep breath in of the outside air. Those foggy mornings with dewy moisture that fill you lungs and coat them with a sheet of sweetness. The salt from the ocean mixed with the sunshine that was trying so desperately to break through. To this day I can still taste and smell Southern California fog on my tongue. To my dismay, when I opened my apartment window longing for that same sensation, all I was met with was a taste of city. Pavement, car exhaust, trash, bums... they are not the same as ocean, sand, flowers, sun.

Beggars can't be choosers, but on a morning like this I wish I was in your oversize BJ's sweatshirt sleepy eyed sipping a big mug of coffee while sitting in a mist covered adirondack chair staring into the ripples of the pool. I would be able to hear you blowing your nose and fussing around in the kitchen. Humming birds would be wizzing in and out of the backyard attaining tiny gulps of sugar water with each visit. There would only be the sound of a train in the distance and perhaps a few cars on their morning commute. You would come and sit next to me and we would laugh about something. Then we would laugh some more. Then, when you didn't even know I was looking at you, I would examine all the fine features in your face and they way your hands move when you talk and how you pause just before you are about to tell me something you think is important and that I should listen to. With attentive ears and a childlike sense of wonder I would listen to everything that came out of your mouth, with each word loving you more and more. That is the morning I am imagining for myself right now. Thank you fog for taking me on a journey to have coffee with my daddy!

Bang! Bang!

Bob's Your Uncle!

Just had a chat with Nanny – she is such a sweetheart. As happens with age, she began to reminisce about her childhood as a young girl in England during and before the war and I asked her a few questions about her Dad and Mom – your great, great grandmother and great, great grandfather.

At 4' 10" small, Ethel, also know as Nan and one of my favorite people in the world, had Hope, Rod and a third child whom died at birth. She had a sister and 3 brothers. She was living with us when she died and it broke my heart. Her sense of humor was always a source of cheer and cheekiness. I remember her cleaning the house with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. Her laugh made people weak. Always.

A Liverpudlian, Bill, your great, great grandfather became a butcher at the age of 14 and remained so until his death at the age of 51. He was the oldest of 17 (yes, 17!) children. All the kids got together every Sunday at the home of their parents and had a grand supper. Mom's grandmother asked her who she was every Sunday because she couldn't remember all the grandchildren's names. Mom can barely remember any of the names of her uncles and aunts except for her favorite uncle, and the second oldest son, Bob. When the war broke out the family scattered across England to work for the war effort or in the army and that was the last she really saw of Bob. As a child, she said she thought he looked like what she thought God must look like. So four generations removed, Bob's your uncle. And maybe God. Cheers!

From The Wall Of My Garden

It's the little things that make life a pleasure.

time to get graphic

The first step to a pretty kick ass dinner party invitation...

My Splendid Library / Chapter One

I have had a peculiar consciousness of late that when I am alone I am actually not alone at all. Rather, I am with me. We – me and myself – seem to look at things as a a pair and not simply from a singular point of view. I know it sounds as though I may be saddled with some kind of multiple personality disorder or that I am host to "voices" and such. But whenever I hear tales of people being haunted by voices the notion carries with it that the "voice" contribute contrarian opinions, inevitably get in the way, sabotage actions and make one a bit insane.

Me and myself, on the other hand, get along quite nicely and generally provide a helpful point of view. I have come to trust myself and me. We seem to acknowledge our shared dips and do what we can to self-correct and keep on a healthy path. We also are pretty good company for each other and we seem to amuse the other to no end. Sounds like a love affair.

Art Day

Watercolor, Paper, Thread, Cotton, Ink.

Oriental Lily... in the works

Metal and Light

1.15.11 Santa Monica, on our way to Farmer's Market

3.30.11 3rd Street, across from my apartment

sometimes i just need to dance!

I just returned home from my Tuesday afternoon dance class. i am currently munching on pretzels and sipping at my homemade kombucha. I feel relaxed and at peace with myself and my place here. Here in the general worldly sense. I haven't taken Jason's dance class in a little over a week because he was out of town. I realized within the first two minutes of warm up that I NEED this. I can literally feel myself become less of an ass whole three minutes into class. By the end of the class I am a newer and better person. Sometimes I just need to dance in order to make my mind work better, to make my soul expand more, to make my spirit open up to all the possibilities and all the wonderfulness that is out there and in people. Sometimes I just need to dance.

Art Q & A

Question:

What did the Abstract painting say to the museum goer?

Answer:

"What are you looking at?"

Funny!

That was so beautiful. Thanks – Dad

If You Were Not There.

Listen to this while you read my my message...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7h7yCvQoqc&NR=1

This is where it all began Daddy

This is where we will always be. Me in your arms close to your heart. You, with your hands so tender and loving, holding me and guiding me through life. I am the lucky one. I am the luckiest. The love that I am surrounded by and the love that has been with me my entire life if because of the love that I came from. You are apart of that love and you always will be. If you were not there, I would be nothing.

I am proud of you. I am so thankful for you. I am your daughter and that makes me the luckiest.

Where it all started!

It was such a pleasure to cruise around LBI and listen to Daniel talk about his childhood, the essence of his upbringing and the way he related to his family. It was also great to meet his family. They have embraced you with such ease and openness. It is evident that they truly love you and appreciate the joy you bring to Daniel.

I will remember this and all the other moments of our visit; how you move around both the city and the kitchen with such sure purpose, how you bring a smile to your friends and how you know me. I am lucky to have you in my life. We are lucky to have each other. Dad

the excitement grows....

http://www.weather.com/weather/tenday/10009

nothing but sunshine and blue skies for your visit!!!

Lazy Saturday

HI DEANER!!!

just wanted to say hi on this lazy saturday. call you later for a catch up session.

LOVE YOU!!!!

Mommy sent me these. They came with a little bear hugging the vase. It made me smile and realize how lucky I am to be so close with the two people who brought me into this world. From your love I was created and through your love I have and continue to thrive as a person. I am so very very very lucky.
I love you.

the house I built

The House I built.

i had so much to say just moments ago. I was filled with so much emotion and so many words. i needed to translate to you all these specific instances to make you understand how i am feeling at this specific moment. through out this specific day.

then i typed the words i had been thinking.

"the house "i" built."

today i realized.

i didn't built anything by myself.

i was merely apart of the framework.

it is just, sometimes, it's hard when someone else doesn't step back...and realize we are all in it together.

it is just those moments when the other person oversteps their boundaries.

it is just the second when you think you see them and realize it is just a stranger + your imagination.

it is just that song that reminds you of that one night.

it is just that smell that is like their skin, and their skin alone, on that one day in that one month of that one moment in time that i will NEVER forget.

it is just them.

it is just you.

it is just not meant to be

or meant to be for later

or meant to be for someone else

or ...

the point is.

i can't eat.

i can't sleep.

when i do it is joyless

when i do it is brief.

i am lost

and yet

found.

i know in my heart of hearts

this is the right thing.

but my heart of hearts is also crying.

it's tough.

but this is just for now.

Sometimes You Just Got To Bust Out The Pipe!

Boom goes the lightbulb!

I say this because in the past week or so incandescent light bulbs became illegal to purchase in the state of California! These are the simple little bulbs – from the cool-looking Edison ditties with the exposed filaments to the ever popular soft white 100 watt – that we have all taken for granted over the years as an irreplaceable source of light to read by, learn by, fuck by (dimmed of course), thread a needle by, brush teeth by, get dressed at 4 am. and leave for a road trip by, drink some wine at the kitchen table by, cook a cake in a Barbie Oven by, cover with a bandana and dance in the bedroom like Michael Jackson by (or worse, The Bee-Gees and Stay'in Alive), light the garage and build a 4th grade project by – I could go on. It was my light!

Sure as a designer I have specified sexy lighting using halogens and LEDs and narrow spots. But the incandescent was the standby – a sure thing. And now we are told to use compact fluorescent bulbs or some shit that makes everything look like it has a mild case of hepititous 2. And what about the iconic symbol signaling a good idea with a lightbulb and its cute little "illumination" strokes above: "the light bulb went off!". I suppose we are to accept a good idea moment with a symbol made up of a curly fucking florescent bulb striking a bright frizzy fucking moment! My ass! And who wants to have a quiet cry in the bathroom only to glance in the mirror with a tear-soaked face (funny how we look at ourselves in the mirror when we cry, right?) and look like you are in the kitchen at Denny's flipping pancakes. Fuck you 9 watt compact fluorescent light bulb. You suck!

Glad I got that off my chest! I need to get out of here and go to New York and see my baby girl. Planning on being there when I go with Joe Duffy to meet with Westinghouse (Known for their light bulbs incidentally).

Love you sweetheart – keep the light on for me! Dad

boom goes the dynamite

that's a movie quote that Daniel always says. I woke up saying it to myself. he had left already early this morning. he was asked to give a presentation at some sort of corporate meeting for MJ. he was really nervous, he didn't say he was, but i could tell. we were supposed to hang out last night. he specifically asked for me to come home and hang out. i did. he worked all night. i watched a very strange Greek foreign film called Dogtooth. it put me in an even stranger mood. i was sad that we didn't hang out and by hang out i mean talk, catch up on the past week of each other's lives, snuggle, laugh, whatever. we were both in the same space. our tiny apartment that offers no escape. no "me time." so from the outside it could look like we were spending time together. but from the inside it was clear we were not. i wasn't upset because i understand, but it was one of those moments were i found myself very quietly crying in the bathroom. just for a second to get out whatever emotion i was feeling and couldn't escape. i have become really good over the years at quiet crying and it isn't something i am necessarily proud of, but i realize it is a survival tactic. don't get me wrong, last night was not a bad night, just a normal night. i was meant to go to a friend's party. i wasn't really in the mood, in fact i was in a sad/bad mood after spending some time with Mia. i didn't really feel like being around anyone, especially myself. i don't think i would have gone to the party any ways, but the fact that i didn't because daniel asked me to spend time with him and then i just ended up spending time with myself... well, that made me mad. oh life.

on a happier note, marisa and I held our first "MOVES" class as i am sure you noticed if you have been on facebook in the past few days. it was a success and people are already requesting more. i must say, it was really great to choreograph and dance around with not expectations, only the need to move and be free! on an even happier note, I spoke with Valerie Levine(Quinn's Mom) and she said you can definitely stay at her place while she is in Africa. Her friend, Lisa, is staying there at the end of this month so March (and I think April) are free. You should check out some flights and come and visit me. It's been way too long and I want you to see all the things I see on a daily basis. I don't really have anything else to say. oh wait, I LOVE YOU BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE!!

Back to work

Oh Daddy,

I realized, more so I felt, that we hadn't spoken in a day or two and I hate that feeling. Then I came here just to see and sure enough you had left me a little gift that made me smile. Flannery and I have been working around the clock, today alone we have been working since 9am...it's almost ten o'clock! The good news is that we are both really excited to go on this ski trip and cook for a 35 person group who has never had our food before. We can't wait to surprise and please them.

In other news, Marisa and I are finally doing "MOVES," our open level dance class. The first of many will take place next Monday, Valentines Day, at this great studio space Downtown called Dance New Amsterdam. Last night we got together and decided on the song, Sweet Dreams by Annie Lenox, and choreographed the whole routine we are going to teach everyone. We had such a blast and laughed our asses off. I will email you the video we took so that we would remember the steps (we were stoned and worried we would forget everything,heehee).

Life otherwise is pretty good... more of an over the phone conversation though. The good news is I will have three hours to chat tomorrow when we are driving to the mountains. I hope you are doing well with all your new projects! I knew they would come, I just knew it, you are so fucking talented. I love you dad.

xo

LG

Hey Lauren – Look!

if that's the case...

then my mind has made itself up to be somewhere in the middle of happiness and sadness.

Happy or What?

THE LAUGH MAGNET! AS SEEN ON MY MOTHER'S FRIG

I went over to Mom's house last night and did little "Chores" that required an electric screw driver and a hammer. Mom spent the first 3 or 4 minutes micro-managing the tasks then I asked her if she didn't have something to do that world be more productive. So she started to pull together dinner comprised of roasted chicken mashed potatoes and peas smothered in a mushroom gravy that turned out to be nectar from the gods. All the while, Glenn Beck and Fox New blasted in the background and Mom made comments about how Obama was creating a socialist government and how the Tea Party was going to take back our country. Jesus! Glen Beck is such an ignorant creature. I am reluctant to admit it, but so is my Mother.

We had a great dinner; lots of laughs, a discussion about Scott and some eye-opening talk of my Father. When we got to the latter, things started to get pretty raw as Mom recounted some of the more embarrassing moments Dad had created while he was among us. The most upsetting story I had never heard about until last night.

Seems that years back Scott, Mom and Dad were working together in a Gerrie & Associates real estate office in Costa Mesa. Mom and Dad had set up the business and Scott was working somewhere else. So over dinner one night Dad convinced Scott to join the family business and Scott agreed, adding that he could bring at least ten agents with him from the office where he currently worked.

At that time Scott was somewhat of a young turk: successful and well liked by everyone in the local Real Estate Board so when he set about recruiting the other agents over to the Gerrie endeavor he had no problem and within a week the office was 12 agents larger. All went well for the first month – the new agents were highly productive contributing sales and commissions and all should have been good. However, Scott was not known for spending too much time in the office and his productivity was not necessarily up to par. But the new recruits were a very positive move for one and all.

At the end of the month there was a sales meeting and everyone was anticipating a big hug from Bill Gerrie and perhaps a inspirational chat about how good things were going: an affirmation that big things were going to happen at Gerrie & Associates. Instead, Dad focused in on Scott and his noticeable absence from the office. He proceeded to call Scott every name in the book and tell him that he was useless and an embarrassment to the family and his co-workers. He did this in front of all the agents and Scott was humiliated to the core. The next day all the agents came to Mom and quit. Scott never came into the office again. The office was now empty and soon after they had to close it. Scott was once again scared and Dad was, as always impressed with his ability cut out the slackers from the real men.

Or course they went back into business with each other many times over the years – each time was a disaster. I asked Mom how all this made her feel and she just said she had to "LAUGH" it off to carry on. Seems to me that "Laugh" is pretty powerful medicine. I would have cold-cocked the mother fucker! And I feel blessed that, through art, I escaped some of the lunacy of my family.

Love you Lauren more that you can imagine. XOXO Dad

Slush This!!!

Also known as "Fuck This" Weather!!! Currently it is 32˚ and we have another wonderful snow storm in our future... oh I just can't wait. The remainder of my day yesterday was wonderful; dance was a workout of both the mind and body, I read a lot on all of my subway venturing, I visited Marlow & Sons and enjoyed the company of my friend Robyn and all the other chefs that came up to say hello. It was great to see old faces and share in hugs and catching up. It was also great to look around and know that I don't work there any more, gotta tell ya, that felt amazing. Like most winter nights, I returned home around 7 and stayed my little warm cave for the rest of the night. Today I am baking a cake for Lovely Day, working on various proposals with Flannery, dropping off the cake, having tea/coffee with Marisa, stopping by Quinn's new restaurant(she is managing) to introduce myself to the mother of the owner who is doing all the desserts. I might help her out here and there, could be fun. Then I have to grocery shop for dinner tonight with four of my gal pals. None of us are drinking and two of the guests are doing cleanses so we will be having delicious water and soup, I know, sounds like a blast. It is more the company that I care about, they are all fantastic and we end up laughing so hard it hurts. I love you Daddy.
I miss you and California and fresh oj in the morning out on your patio.
xo

snow day

it began coming down last night. Daniel and I were on our way home after enjoying a Cheeseburger, Fries, and Wedge Salad at Black Iron Burger. By the time we reached our perch the thunder was booming and the flakes were swirling like cotton in a washing mashing. Awoken by the sound of shovels scraping against salt covered pavement scooping and moving the fresh frozen water from one place to another.
A leisurely morning was met by a busy coffee shop busting with warmth and talk of the current weather situation. After small talk with familiar faces I assisted Vanessa and her twins home. Vanessa is a beautiful young French mom, I would say in her early 30's, with twin daughters, I would say about two. They speak only French and they already have the stereotypical pout that is so often connected to their ethnic origin. They have very strong personalities and on this particular morning were both in the mood to scream and cry. As I watched Vanessa struggle to get both of them to cooperate and maneuver through the mounds of white that towered about their tiny frames, I decided to offer my assistance. I have some sort of strange ability to calm kids who are freaking out, maybe it was that year of being a nanny for Audrey? Maybe I just treat them like normal human beings and they appreciate that. Whatever it is, between Vanessa and I, we were able to quiet them and carry them home to their gorgeous apartment on 8th Street. I have never had a full conversation with Vanessa, merely surface coffee shop banter and acknowledgment. This morning the ice was broken, literally. I can see or more so sense that she really wants some normalcy in her life. I am assuming her husband makes the money and is often gone as I never see him and she is always battling her duo by herself. I am excited to venture into this new friendship. I know it will happen because of the way she was smiling and thanking me for my kindness when I dropped one of the girls on the front stoop. As her little feet hit the landing I glanced back at Mom, she had a look of astonishment on her face and stated in broken English, "wow, she has never let anyone pick her up like that without a fight... you have super powers. thank you so much." I am about to head out to make the long journey to the Upper West Side for Dance class. Then I am taking another long subway ride out to Brooklyn to meet up with an old friend who just quit at Marlow. She is also engaged so we are going to celebrate and hang out. Today is looking good. I am open to all the possibilities that it holds. The world is pretty magical if you just smile and open your arms. Taking it all in.

Back in the Swing 'a Things

tran·si·tion

/trænˈzɪʃən, -ˈsɪʃ-/ Show Spell[tran-zish-uhn, -sish-]

–noun

1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

2.Music .

a. a passing from one key to another; modulation.

b. a brief modulation; a modulation used in passing.

c. a sudden, unprepared modulation.

3. a passage from one scene to another by sound effects, music, etc., as in a television program,theatrical production, or the like.

–verb (used without object)

4. to make a transition: He had difficulty transitioning from enlisted man to officer.

It is so very interesting to me that such an important word would have such a simple definition. I suppose that is true of most "big" words; love, hate,sadness,happiness,laughter,tears...the list goes on. My return back to New York, per usual, has been a gradual acclimation to urban life, Fighting and Kicking all the way. By this point, my friends and Daniel have certainly tired of me talking about 80˚ weather and fresh orange juice from you backyard's tree. They are, however, not tired themselves of complaining about shitty "winter mix" weather, which by the way is a combination of rain, snow, wind, and below 30 degrees and is pretty much the most disgusting type of weather there is. I jumped right on the ban wagon and started complaining myself about being inside all the time, not wanting to motivate and do anything but watch movies and sleep. Not venturing out into the city or over to friend's places, but instead trying to coerce friends to come over to your place, if for not other reason than the simple fact that this enables you to NOT GO ANYWHERE. Aside from the weather there is easing back into work and generating work. I don't have to tell you a thing about that, needless to say, the panic feeling the wakes me up every morning is starting to become a bit to familiar. Being here is also hard because, well, I am not there. There being California. There being somewhere else. There being another life with other people where I do other things. I am fortunate to have both, I love that I have both and I don't take it for granted. However, the struggle this time around is how do I make my life on both coasts a concrete reality. How do I get myself back and forth more often in order to have those in my life that make my life worth living. This is not to say I don't love my family, friends, and life here, but I want to be better about the harmony between my two worlds. Sure, it might be like aiming for the stars, but I like the stars so I am up to the challenge.
This transition is about being a better me. Listening more. Talking more. Creating more. Dancing more. Cooking more. Being more of an artist. Don't get me wrong, by "more" I don't mean taking up time or filling my days to the max so that I burn out. By more, I mean higher quality, more diligence, more intent, more of Me in everything I do. This has begun with cleaning out my system of alcohol, which feels fucking amazing and I am not even a week in. Doing more yoga on a daily, sometimes twice a day, basis. Dancing. In class, in the supermarket, on the street, at the coffee shop, in my home.. everywhere. I went to dance today and I feel so much more relaxed and at ease. I am rambling, but it feels good.
Fuck, my mouth is on fire right now. I am having left overs for lunch from dinner that I made last night for myself, Flannery, Weston, and Daniel. I made Israeli Cous Cous with Caramelized Onions, Dried Apricots, Chick Peas, and Toasted Pecans. For lunch I decided to add some Sriracha hot sauce and it sure as hell gives it a kick. I am so addicted to that shit, it makes everything spicy and delicious!!
Tonight I am going to lay low. Do work. Read. Draw. Tomorrow I have Jury Duty which I am going to try and get out of, but this is the third time I have done that so they might say "hell no." I will be somewhat fucked in that case because starting Thursday I am working through next Friday. There must be a way to get around the system, I think if I prove that I am self employed and that I can't not work... who knows, I am going to put on my actress hat and see what I can do.

Now... about that photo. First off, how crazy is the similarity between Barbara and Flannery, it is almost uncanny. Secondly, how about your hair!!! Wow, daddy you were really letting it all out. You do look so handsome and I can certainly understand why Mommy would fall for you with a smile like that. I love you Deaner and I am glad you and Maccers got together, I really am.

Adios Nancy! Hello Barbara!

That last post was just starting to bug the shit out of me so I deleted it. However, I am replacing it with a picture that Eileen just sent me of a dinner party many many years ago. You will notice a very young Barbara Edivan sitting next to Eileen. This is well before I met the beautiful lady that would someday carry you, the joy of my life. Isn't it amazing how things turn out? All my love, Dad